BECOME THE MAN WOMEN WANT
5th of May 2014

Where To Start If You’re Lost With Women, Part 6: Figuring Out What You Want

We’ve covered quite a bit so far. The highlights:

1. The right mindset at the beginning is key (willing to try, ok with failures, and cautiously optimistic about long run success). Part 1 is here.

2. Female choice is the foundational principle of mating: (women choose, men pursue). Part 2 is here.

3. Women are attracted to many different traits in men, and men can cultivate those traits in themselves to become more attractive (effectiveness is the key principle underlying all these traits)Part 3 is here.

4. Female attraction is emotional and unconscious, but it’s biologically rational and adaptive for her and her offspring (female sexual preferences do make biological sense for them). Part 4 is here.

5. The fifth step is all about the actions you can take to be more attractive to women today, i.e., developing and displaying the traits women find attractive. Those are covered in Part 5.

There’s one thing that we haven’t talked about at all, even though it’s probably the first and most important step: Figuring out what you want in a relationship and in a woman.

I left this subject until now on purpose, and here’s why: Most guys–especially the ones who are completely lost with women–don’t even know what’s possible for them.

They don’t know what they want because they haven’t seen enough of the field to know what’s possible. And because they don’t know what’s possible, most are willing to take anything they can get.

Or even worse, they’ve never honestly asked themselves what they truly desire, because they either think they can’t get it, or they think they aren’t even allowed to have it, that their desire is wrong in some way.

This piece will help you solve all those issues: we’ll examine the basic relationship options in front of you, and explain the benefits and detriments of each one. We’ll also help you understand how to figure out what’s right for you (and not just do what others expect you to do).

What Are The Possible Relationships?

There are several different types of relationships between men and women: friendships, professional, romantic relationships, etc. For the purposes of this piece, we are only talking about romantic relationships, which means relationships where some sort of sexual activity occurs between the man and the woman.

Let’s also get clear on the definition of “relationship” in this piece: from the longest marriage, to the shortest possible hook-up interaction, they are all relationships (and by the way, women understand this even if some men don’t accept it). We do not use the term “relationship” to mean anything other than a connection of some sort between a man and a woman that involves some sort of sexual activity, however long or short.

There are four basic types of romantic relationships. These are defined by the level of commitment, in terms of time and mental energy:

Short term relationships: These are relationships where the courtship period is a relatively short period of time (5 minutes to 5 hours), all centered around one encounter, culminates in some sort of sexual activity, and ends after sexual activity is over. Usually called “hook-ups” or “one night stands.”

The good about short term relationships:

-Sex is pretty much always fun (for the guy at least, if for no other reason than the novelty)

-They tend to be emotionally uncomplicated

-They require no long term sacrifice or responsibility on your part

-You can have many partners in a short period of time, ie, as much sexual variety as you can earn

-You can practice your courtship/dating skills on lots of women

-You can learn a lot about a lot of different types of women

-You can gain a wide array of experiences, both sexual and not

 

The bad about them:

-Sex with a stranger tends to be the most unsatisfying of the types of sex (this is because it’s awkward, you’re often drunk, you don’t know her body well, you both still have your guard up, you can’t really get into the things you really like, etc)

-It is not easy to develop the skills necessary to have multiple short term relationships

-They can be emotionally unfulfilling (for some guys, simply because many guys feel shitty afterwards, either about themselves or if they feel like they used the girl, or if the woman regrets it, etc)

-There is a much higher risk of negative relationship consequences (STD’s, crazy girls, etc)

-The “cost of acquisition” for a sexual encounter in short term relationships is much higher than other types of relationships (for example, you might spend 6 hours courting a woman and then get only 20 minutes of sexual activity, whereas if you see her more often, you get 10x the sex for basically the same amount of courtship)

-You can get a bad reputation as a player that impacts how other girls see you

 

Other factors to consider:

-This strategy only makes sense in certain cultures, at certain times in peoples lives

-Very few guys find this to be effective as an exclusive strategy; it’s predominantly used as an opportunistic strategy, meaning that you take it when it comes, but don’t go looking for it.

 

Medium term, primarily physical relationships: Repeated encounters (generally not more than twice a week) over a period of a few weeks to a few months. Primarily sexual in nature. Often called “booty calls” or “fuck buddies.” These are relationships that are basically just sexual in nature, and have limited other interactions.

What’s good about them:

-Sex is pretty much always fun (you still get novelty, but you also get more comfortable)

-You get more sex, so you quickly gain more sexual experience

-The cost of acquisition for sex is low, i.e., you have a “sure thing” as opposed to having to expend effort to find a new girl. The effort for each extra sex act is pretty low after the first one.

-Known girls reduce the various risks that come with new partners (STD’s, crazy girls, etc)

-They tend to be less emotionally complicated than more committed relationships

-You are still free to have sex with other girls

 

What’s bad about them:

-The sex can get boring and awkward

-Sex without any emotional connection can be unfulfilling (to guys as well as girls, trust me, the oxytocin works in your brain just as much as the girls)

-They can be used a crutch to avoid intimacy or other emotional problems

-There can be emotional complications, where feelings will develop on one side or the other, and one party can get hurt (not just the woman, BTW)

-She could be (is probably) having sex with other guys (which means you run the risk of getting jealous, etc.

 

Other factors to consider:

-Not many women are cool with this arrangement for more than a few encounters. They tend to want to move it to something more meaningful, or move on.

 

Medium term, quasi-committed relationships: Repeated encounters (usually 2 to 4 times a week) over a period of a few weeks to a few months. Predominantly sexual in nature, but with an emotional component. Usually called “friends w/benefits” or even “casual dating.”

Plainly put the big difference between the two medium term relationships is that the first one (primarily physical) is more about just sex–you’re basically using each others bodies to meet your physical needs only. It’s almost like an extended one night stand.

This type of medium term relationship (quasi-committed) has other elements in addition to sex, like going out and doing things together, cuddling, or any number of other activities that couples can do with each other. It is usually a not fully committed relationship, though it can and often does lead to a longer term, committed relationship (but not always, of course). This is in contrast to a medium term, primarily physical relationship, which usually does not lead to anything more (though it can, of course). These relationships can last quite a long time, though what keeps them from being considered a “long term” relationship is the lower level of emotional and time commitment and the lack of monogamy (usually).

What’s good about them:

-Sex is pretty much always fun (and this sex gets better because you know the girl even better)

-Since these relationships tend to involve some emotional commitment, they tend to be more fulfilling than shorter term relationships

-The cost of acquisition is low, i.e., you have a “sure thing” as opposed to having to find a new girl

-Known girls reduce the various risks that come with new partners (STD’s, crazy girls, etc)

-They tend to be less emotionally complicated than more committed relationships

-You are still free to have sex with other girls

 

What’s bad about them:

-The sex can get boring and awkward

-They can be used a crutch to avoid intimacy or other emotional issues

-These relationships, because they are poorly defined, can be anxiety provoking if the expectations are not made clear

-The likelihood of emotional complications becomes much higher, and generally one side or the other wants more than what they are getting (not just the woman, BTW)

-She could be having sex with other guys

 

Other factors to consider:

-This relationship is usually a prelude to a more committed one, or at least is seen this way by one or both of the parties in the relationship.

 

Longer term, committed relationships: These are the standard boyfriend-girlfriend relationships where you are officially dating and committed to being monogamous, or at least, have been casually dating for so long that you are in effect, boyfriend-girlfriend.

The basic test for “long term” only means that you are dating in some capacity for a period of time long enough that you’d talk about this relationship to your friends, introduce her to people as your girlfriend or date, or see each other (essentially) exclusively. That could be as short as two to four weeks for some people, or it could many months for others. The defining factor of these relationships is the level of commitment, either in sexual exclusivity, or in time spent together (or both).

What’s good about them:

-It’s far more likely to achieve a higher level of emotional connection to a committed partner

-You can be emotionally vulnerable and share your deepest experiences with another person

-Sex with someone you feel very emotionally connected to is almost always the best possible sex

-The “cost of acquisition” for sex is very low to non-existant (assuming your sex drives are similar)

 

What’s bad about them:

-You are at risk of not just being hurt, but being deeply hurt by someone very close to you

-You (generally) can’t have sex with other people

-Long term relationships can get very stale and stagnant in many ways, including sexually

 

Which One Should You Pick?

I want to make something VERY clear, because I think many guys don’t understand this:

There is no right or wrong relationship; every type of romantic relationship is valid.

I hate when guys assume that there is one “right” type of relationship. Whether they think you should only bang girls and never talk to them again, or you should have as many girls in your life as possible, or you should only be monogamous with one girl–there are a lot of guys who think one type is the “right” type.

This frustrates me to no end because it is totally wrong. That’s like saying there is a “right” food to eat. No, there is only the right food for your goals–price, health, ease of preparation, etc. The same thing is true for relationships–there is only the right relationship for your goals.

The right relationship will vary widely from person to person, and pretty much anything you desire (that doesn’t hurt other people) is valid. If you want to fuck hundreds of different girls, that’s cool. If you want to only have one girlfriend and be committed to her and marry her, that’s cool too. So is pretty much anything in between.

Anyone who judges you because you want to have a serious girlfriend–to hell with them. And anyone who criticizes you for having lots of hook-ups–to hell with them too. They are projecting their issues onto you and your choices. And furthermore, you are free to change your mind about what relationship you want. Often, actually.

I see so many guys who want one type of relationship, but don’t go after it because they assume it’s not the type they should want. I cannot say this or emphasize this enough so I’m going to repeat it:

There is not a “right” relationship type, there is just what is right for you and your partner at that moment in your lives.

You will never be happy if you spend your life doing the things you think you are “supposed” to do. You’ll only be happy when you recognize what you actually want, and then work to achieve that end.

That actually leads to the next point: how to figure out what you want.

 

Figuring Out Which Type Of Relationship Is Right For You

Plainly put:

No one can tell you what you should want. You must look into yourself and decide for yourself what you desire in your own life.

If you are totally lost about what you want, here are some basic questions you can ask yourself: What are my goals right now? What am I trying to accomplish in my life? What do I need from a girl(s)? What kinds of relationships fit into these goals and these needs?

Maybe you can see the pattern in these. If not, pay attention, this might be the most important part of this entire series:

The point of a relationship is to meet the needs of BOTH people in the relationship.

This is true for ALL relationships, no matter how long or short. In a short term relationship, the guy and girl are looking for the same thing: a short term, non-committed sexual encounter. So you fuck and leave and that meets each others needs. Pretty simple. For a long term relationship, the two people can have different needs; the girl could want the relationship for emotional and financial stability, while the guy could want it for intellectual company and guaranteed access to a woman. The point is not that the needs are the same, but they are both being met by the relationship.

This might seem obvious at first, but there are a lot of implications to this statement that, once worked out, will greatly impact how you deal with women. We’ll go over this point a lot more in the next part (Part 7: Where To Meet Women, and later on this site), but for this part, what it means is that to understand what type of relationship you should look for, you first need to figure out what you need from the woman in the relationship (and then what you can offer her).

So for example, ask yourself these questions, paying special attention to figuring out what’s most important to you, right now in your life:

Do you want an emotional connection to a girl? Meaning, do you want a girl who tries to understand you, who likes and accepts you as you are, who will share experiences together? If so, then you want a medium or longer term relationship, not a short term one.

Or instead, do you place more value on having absolute freedom to explore new experiences with new women? If so, you want short term or more casual medium term relationships, and not a committed relationship, long term one.

The key is this: Ask yourself which of your needs it’s most important for your relationship to meet–sexual, emotional, financial, social, friendship, intellectual, etc, etc–and you’ll know what kind of relationship is right for you at this moment in your life.

If you’ve asked yourself these questions, and you honestly don’t know what you want, that’s perfectly OK. That after all is part of the reason to date lots of girls; to try different things and people and experiences, so you can figure out what it is you don’t like (and avoid it) and what you do like (and go get it). And like we have told you before and will say again; your needs and desires will change substantially over your lifetime. Mine have, and your will too. What is right for you at 21 is usually not what’s right for you at 35.

That is the point of this series and this site and book: To help you not only understand what’s possible for you, but also help you figure out what your dating goals are at this point in your life, and then how to actually achieve them.

Takeaways

1.  Most guys–especially the ones who are completely lost with women–don’t even know what’s possible for them.

2. The four basic types of romantic relationships are short term no commitment, medium term, low commitment, medium term quasi-commitment, and long term committed.

3. There is no right or wrong relationship; every type of romantic relationship is potentially valid.

4. No one can tell you what you should want. You must look into yourself and decide for yourself what you desire in your own life.

5. The point of a relationships is to meet the needs of BOTH people in the relationship.

6. Ask yourself what needs you want your relationship to meet–sexual, emotional, financial, social, friendship, intellectual, etc, etc–and you’ll know what kind of relationship is right for you.

 

Feedback:

This is an ongoing, developing series, and we are testing how the presentation of this information is resonating with our readers (you). Our goal is to help guys get the relationships they want with women, so please feel free to give us feedback:

Does it make sense? Are you learning from it? What did you not understand? What do you want to know more about? Does this explain mating in way you can relate to?

Any feedback you have, either good or bad, I’d love to hear. Email me here: [email protected]

 

Where To Start If You’re Lost With Women:

Part 1: Developing The Right Mindset

Part 2: How Mating Works

Part 3: What Women Are Attracted To

Part 4: The “Why” Of Female Attraction

Part 5: How To Be More Attractive To Women 

Part 6: Figuring Out What You Want

Part 7: Where To Find Women 

Part 8: The Road Forward

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