In the introductory podcast with both Tucker Max and Dr. Geoffrey Miller, they talk about their goals with the Mating Grounds Podcast, and the upcoming book, Mate. Tucker and Dr. Miller also discuss what they plan to teach guys, and how the Mating Grounds is different than the advice that guys get from other sources.
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Links from this episode
- Geoff Miller’s book The Mating Mind
- Part 1 and Part 2 of the posts where Tucker describes the genesis of this project
- Contact Tucker
This is Episode 1 of the Mating Grounds Podcast. I think it might actually be Episode 5 on iTunes, because of the way we launched, but this is the first podcast that really lays out what our goals and our point is. To introduce you to anyone who doesn’t know, this is Dr. Geoffrey Miller, who’s my partner in the book we’re doing, Mate, and also the Mating Grounds podcast, one of the leading researchers for evolutionary psychology and sexual psychology, human sexuality, etc., for decades. This is the guy who’s written the books on it.
And I’m the asshole who wrote a bunch of books and made people laugh about sex and dating. So, we got together. The only point of this introduction is to explain what we’re trying to do, what we plan to teach you, and how we plan to teach. This should be pretty quick, and then we’re gonna jump into the material with the other episodes. Basically, our goal with the podcast and the website and the book is to give you a complete, comprehensive guide to understanding sex, women, dating, and relationships. This information is all out there, but it doesn’t exist in one, put-together form that is actionable, effective, empirically based, and also scientifically valid. There are different people who talk about different things. Some people get some things right, some people don’t. We’re gonna talk about who’s right and who’s wrong a little bit later, but here’s our basic assumption. The reality is, right now most guys are failing with women. And if they’re not failing, then they’re really not doing as well as they want. I’m not saying specifically guys who want to hook up every night or guys who want to have girlfriends. I’m talking about either one, whether your goals are super short-term, like you just want to have a bunch of one-night stands and that’s it; or if your goals are on the complete opposite end of the spectrum, you want to find an amazing girl to date and possibly marry, guys are doing really fucking terrible for the most part in both categories.
And women are complaining about it all over the female media.
Yep. “There aren’t any good guys out there.” What’s funny is one of the reasons Geoff and I started this project is because we heard that for years, and then we looked around and realized they’re right. The guys are really not doing a great job. And here’s the thing: it’s not that guys are fucked-up. It’s not that guys are stupid. It’s not that guys are pathetic. It’s not that guys can’t be great guys. It’s that, honestly, no one teaches guys what they need to do and how they need to do it to be really good with women, whether it’s hooking up or dating or boyfriends or anything. No one tells you what to do. Here’s the reality: you probably suck with women and it’s not your fault…for the most part. I’m not gonna start crying like Matt Damon in Good Will Hunting or something. “It’s not your fault!” But the reality is, it’s not. For the vast majority of guys, basic concepts, basic ideas are foreign to them because no one teaches them. We’re gonna fucking teach you. That’s the point of this whole endeavor, is that we’re gonna get you the information you need to accomplish your goals in sex, dating, women, relationships, etc.
Here’s the thing, though. We’re gonna teach you a lot of stuff. Some of it will be obvious. Some of it will be counter-intuitive. Some of it will be brilliant. Some of it won’t make sense for maybe a few years if you’re seventeen. Most of it’s gonna require a little bit of work. If you are not getting girls right now, I can promise one thing about you: you are not attractive to them or you’re not displaying the things about you that are attractive to them. We’re gonna teach you everything you need to know. We’re gonna teach you what women want, why they want it, how to develop those traits, and how to display them if you already have them. If you do all those things, you’re gonna start finding women. Good women that you want to date. We’re gonna walk you through all of it. The reality is, over the past 30 years, there’s been an immense amount of research that’s shed a lot of light on a lot of things about sex, dating, and relationships that most people don’t really understand. We’re gonna bring all that up, talk it through, explain it, and then tell you specifically how it applies to your life. I mean, I’m sitting across from the guy who’s done a lot of the research in this field. How much would you say, Dr. Miller, does the average guy understand about sex, dating, and relationships, especially a lot of the new research that’s come out in the last 20 or so years?
They probably vaguely heard of about 3% of what they need to know, and they’ve actually understood about half of 1% of it. And even the guys who have read a bunch of books about how to be good with women…They think they know a lot, but they don’t have a coherent way to think about how men and women interact that actually gives them a kind of roadmap where they really have the concepts and insights that they need. That’s what we want to give you guys.
So, whether your goals are short-term, medium-term, long-term dating – whatever your goals are with women, our goal is to give you the tools you need to accomplish those goals. We’re gonna do that. We’re gonna tell you exactly what to do. Now, here’s the question that I know most people have, because this is the question we get a lot: How is this different from the other advice out there? Well, let’s start with general societal advice. Whether you’re talking about stuff that your church tells you or clichés your parents tell you or things you hear in media. The reality is almost all of that is terrible, terrible advice or it’s good advice that’s not explained in a way that you can understand. How are we different? First off, we’re not judgmental. This is very much a safe place for guys to talk about things that matter in a very open, non-judgmental way. There’s no way to get to truth and reality if you’re coming at it from a judgmental perspective. The second thing is we’re not gonna moralize with you. There are certain ethical and moral positions that we take, like you shouldn’t rape women, you shouldn’t hit women, you should respect all people, etc. But beyond really basic foundational morality, we don’t have an agenda or a moral code we’re trying to get across. I’ve slept with a lot of women in my life. The last thing I’m trying to say is that you should sleep with a bunch of women. Geoff is a big believer in evolutionary psychology and research. The last thing he’s gonna tell you is that you have to believe evolutionary psychology to apply these principles. We have our personal beliefs about things, but this is not about instilling our beliefs on you. This is about us helping you reach your goals.
Yeah. We’re not a church preaching and trying to convert you. We’re not the public education system that’s got its own political agenda. We’re just here to help you and to help your future girlfriends be happy.
Right. There’s no hidden agenda. Our agenda is very simple: give you all the information you need to be good with women. Because, first off, that benefits you. It also benefits women, sort of indirectly, but believe me, every woman on earth would be super excited if, all of a sudden, there were a bunch of guys around who were way better at dealing with them. No woman is going to complain about that. I mean, helping women’s not the primary goal. It’s helping guys, and women are gonna be helped and that’s great. I’m not going to sit here and tell you that I’m doing this for charity or something. Of course, that’s bullshit. My time is very valuable, Dr. Miller’s time is probably even more valuable than mine. Why are we allocating our time for this? First off, we think it’s very important. There’s almost no way I can think of for me to have a bigger impact on the world than to teach men how to have fulfilling, satisfying sexual and emotional relationships with women.
Yes, that’s absolutely why I’m doing this, too. If we succeed, then in five years, I’ll be getting emails from guys saying, “Thank god I read Mate and listened to your podcast and visited Mating Grounds, ‘cause it changed my life. It helped me get my current girlfriend, wife, whatever.” And if we also have women writing, saying, “Thank god my boyfriend encountered you guys and listened and learned,” that will be really fulfilling.
Exactly. So, this is gonna be really fulfilling for us on a personal and professional level. Also, – let’s just be fucking honest, ‘cause everything about this podcast is honesty – of course we want to make a bunch of money. We want to sell 10 million books, and we want this to be the biggest podcast in the world, and we want to maybe do TV shows about this, etc. But here’s why our interests are aligned: the only way we’re gonna get there is giving you really good information that really works without putting any agenda or bullshit in it. The world has changed, and I think people are much smarter consumers now, especially young people. I know if we try to feed you bullshit or we try and push something on you that smells like a rat, people aren’t gonna listen. People are gonna reject it, and they fucking should. You don’t owe either of us anything. I’ve done a lot. I’ve earned a lot of respect from a lot of people, just in a little bit of a different field. Dr. Miller’s earned a ton of respect and a ton of status in a slightly different field. We’re applying our expertise to this field that overlaps a lot, but the reality is, we have to do a good job. We’re going to. We’re already far along enough in this process and have done enough that I know this is really good and is really working and helping a bunch of guys. But the point is, our agenda is to help you, and if we help you, then we get all the benefits that come from creating something that’s helpful.
And we want this to be interactive. If we say something that sounds like bullshit to you, let us know. If we say something that’s great, let us know.
Yes. That’s another thing that we’ll talk about in most of the podcasts. The best email is just Tucker:@TheMatingGrounds.com. That’s me, Tucker: Max. It goes directly to me. Dr. Miller sees those, too. Any questions, any concerns, whatever. If you have a critique, we would love to hear it because god knows we’re not right about everything. Right about most things, but not everything.
That’s just societal – Hollywood, friends, family, church – advice. The other major place where guys get sex and dating advice is form the Pick up Artist/Seduction community. I think we’re very different. In fact, I know we’re very different from them. Their advice tends to be very manipulative, very superficial. They treat women very much as things to be conquered and not as other people to connect with. Look, you can take that position with women. I’m not even gonna bitch at you about how it’s morally wrong or whatever. To each his own, but it’s not effective. I’m talking as a guy who, in his early twenties, was never a Pick up Artist because I got girls without having to use the stupid, ridiculous techniques that they teach. But, I had the same mental approach to women, treating them as things to be conquered and as objects. As soon as I learned to stop doing that and started connecting and dealing with them as people, I got five times the amount of girls with a third of the effort. It was way better. Then there’s another level I think a lot of guys who enter the Pick Up community or even glance against it realize is that there’s two big things: it doesn’t address any of the core issues. If you’re not getting girls or you’re doing poorly with women, you’re probably doing something wrong. You’re either not attractive, you’re meeting girls in the wrong place, etc. There are a million things. We’re gonna talk about all of them, but the Pick Up Artist/Seduction community doesn’t really address much about guys, and it doesn’t address the full range of issues. It’s almost like putting a Band-Aid on a fucking chest wound, and that shit doesn’t work.
It’s like they’re offering kind of a Get Rich Quick scheme where it’s superficial seduction tactics, and we’re a lot more about cultivating the traits kind of medium-term and long-term that take a little effort, but that are hugely more effective for most guys in actually attracting women. Also, the problem with the seduction tactics is, apart from the 3% of guys who are actually sociopaths and have no conscience, most guys feel kind of bad about using them. It undercuts your own confidence. And we’re gonna offer ways of thinking about human mating that actually boost your confidence and make you feel more honest and more honorable.
Yep. That was my next point. I would not use the word honorable, just because it’s an old-fashioned word, but I think Dr. Miller’s point is exactly correct. If you do the things that we tell you to do and look at sex and dating and women the way that we frame it for you, you’re gonna feel good about yourself. You’re gonna improve yourself in a way that doesn’t just get you more vaginas to enter. It gets you a better life and makes you a better person and makes you happier and attracts better women and more women that you can have whatever type of relationships you and the woman want to have with each other.
Imagine if you’re starving. McDonald’s will fucking keep you alive, but it’s also disgusting and will kill you. Would you rather eat at McDonald’s or at Whole Foods? We’re gonna be Whole Foods. It’s a little bit more work. You’ve got to understand a little bit more, but ultimately, it’s far more rewarding and it’s far more beneficial and it’s better for almost everything that you want to do. So, no more bullshit about what we’re gonna do. We’re gonna stop the introduction here, and then just jump right into the podcast to talk about specific issues.