This Mating Grounds fan called into our Q&A back in April with this question, “I lost my virginity at 26. What should I do to catch up?”
Since then he has had many more fun sexual experiences and is making lots of friends through social groups. He shared his stories and what he learned by listening to The Mating Grounds:
Hi Tucker, Dr. Miller and Nils (and Charlie),
I’m writing to say thanks for your content. It’s changed my life. I couldn’t attend any of the book release webinars though I had lots of questions. I still thought I should at least share my progress with you guys.
Background/aside : I called in to the podcast asking about what the right mating goal was for me. I grew up very religious and ashamed of my sexuality. I lost my virginity at 26. And I didn’t know the right way to proceed for me nor did I connect with myself enough to know “what do I really want?” Your podcast answers were massively helpful. I found NO real answers for years with the pickup artist nonsense.
First, the results:
1. I’ve slept with six women (up from exactly zero 11 months ago) since then with little shame or guilt in the process. Some regularly, some briefly.
– I almost got caught getting a blowjob on the top floor of a city parking lot
– Last month was seeing this older woman whom I like a lot. We had sex in a football field at midnight. It was awesome.
– Last weekend a girl gave me head in a bunk bed cabin in the woods I shared with 8 other dudes who were sleeping. She was constantly giggling at my whispered jokes. When I asked her to quiet down, she said “Sorry daddy, please punish me”
This stuff is what normal guys experience at 17 and 18. This is exactly what I wanted. To have a normal sex life that I can enjoy without feeling the shame or religious guilt that comes with sexual feeling and without being an asshole. And I have it at 26 after a lot of emotional work I’ve done to process that stuff. And I’m grateful.
2. I feel attractive to women.
– As an example I was at a party last weekend. I was Having Fun And Meeting New PeopleTM by TMax. I was being playful and funny and silly. I was normal and treated girls like a real person and connected with them as human beings. Multiple girls were flirting with me. I picked one and was dancing with her when this other girl came over with the guy she was dancing with (who was a coach at that event – way higher status than me), took my hand as I was dancing with the other girl and asked me why I wouldn’t spank her like I promised earlier. In front of him.
This stuff is very normal but it’s incredible to a guy who couldn’t imagine a girl seeing him as a sexual being, let alone an attractive one.
3. I have friends (including women) from improv, crossfit and work
4. I have a process to meet new women when I need to.
5. I feel better on the inside. I am not necessarily a walking vessel of desperation and shame. I am happier. Seriously this is a real result. Not quantifiable easily maybe. But it’s very important.
What did I take away from the Mating Grounds?
I was already doing improv which I’d always been into and going to other meetup groups for a few months before you launched your podcast. But specifically the following five insights/tips/actions were critical to this.
1. “If a single man and a single woman hang out together, the context is sexual” – Nils Parker
This one line was probably the BIGGEST takeaway for me. It was also the hardest to understand and took me a couple months to process. If you’re from a religiously repressed background, you believe deep down that every playful interaction with a female is sinful. So over years and years, you have taken pains to completely sanitize your interaction of any sexual or romantic feeling. So when I was getting into dating, I thought every time I spoke to a woman I had to establish that context like the “direct game” pickup artists. And it was terrible. I would give idiotic physical compliments when on okcupid and get NOTHING back. I would overtly hit on women on the street to show my “social freedom” and courage and come off as a total noob. And I felt terrible about myself and didn’t ever do it after the first couple times.
After Nils said that in one of the first few podcasts, it took a while to understand but it was like the gateway to vagina was now opened. It changed everything.
2. “Women’s most primal fear is that a guy will beat or rape them”
This and the ever popular gay bar example hit at something that I never thought about. I don’t know if it was feminism or equality or whatever ideology I incorrectly applied but I never allowed myself to think that women were physically weaker than men. I always thought the sexes were equal. And to think of a woman as physically weaker than a man was over generalizing and sexist. But your examples made me understand that equality is not sameness. And women evolved as the physically more vulnerable sex. And being physically weaker than men makes you suspicious and deeply fearful in a million ways vs otherwise. Again, a game-changing insight that I applied across the board. Whether it was meeting women with friends or making normal small talk or displaying my friendships with other women, this changed all.
3. “The principle of female choice is central to human mating”
This helped because I stopped persisting with girls who didn’t seem attracted to me and instead found ones that were. Also this relates to female agency which helped me be cool and behave like an adult if a girl wasn’t ready to have sex yet.
4. Mating markets :
This helped me think of mating and dating in a totally different way. I joined groups like crossfit and singing events. I was already doing improv a few months before you guys started. But I started working at the improv theater to surround myself with good interesting people including women. Even at work, I made friends with women, whether they were married or older or w/e. I became a normal person who loved having women as friends and acquaintances.
5. Nice vs KIND :
I was always confused about how to appear attractive to women. Trying to be an aggressive asshole or a ‘nice’ best friend when neither appealed to me. When you guys used the word KIND it all fell into place. Niceness is only the absence of overt aggressiveness/douchebaggery. Kindness is ACTIVE and deliberate – helpful or protective instincts and behavior. This changed everything. I actually helped women with their problems if they asked. On dates, when women shared things with me, if I had solved similar problems, I offered insights and suggestions that could help them. I made book recommendations. I always bantered with the waitstaff and politely thanked them for everything. Traditional “chivalry,” the whole concept of which used to make me slightly nauseous earlier, now started making sense to me and I actually liked doing simple things like opening doors and if the context was appropriate, pulling out chairs. Just asking if a woman was okay, showing care and concern. Without needing anything at all in return.
There are many more insights on things like signaling, effectiveness, intelligence, vulnerability and how to display traits that helped me with mating and with so many other things in life as well. But these five were the ones that were absolutely essential in getting me to where I am with women. Without these five, I’d still be confused, horny and sad.
A year back a pickup artist coach had me attend a weekend seminar and then asked me to practice hitting on women on the street everyday for a few months to “get this area of my life handled.” (Yep I used to be that guy). While the latter is a laughable idea, the funny thing is with your help I would actually say now my life IS kinda handled in this area. This last year has been an amazing journey and I thank you for doing this. Your book is worth 10-100x what it is selling for.
With the new direction of Helping Joe, I’m already seeing this getting better and helping more people. I’ve lost track of how many friends I’ve recommended your book to (including my brother).