28th of September 2014

Success Stories #7: More dates, more confidence, and a new perspective

Here’s another success story from a Mating Grounds listener who has applied our advice:

Hey Tucker –

Wanted to share some success stories so far. Below are some of the things I’ve been doing in general to help improve my actions with women.

Beneath is a specific story about me joining Crossfit and how I identified a bad habit and corrected it using your advice.

I write about my old vs. new perspective not necessarily what I think most guys do. I’m sure it’ll be relevant to some, not others, much like men can’t be appealing to every woman out there.

I realized that I have a lot of bad habits, and they won’t be fixed overnight. I also realized it’s hard to resist measuring success with women on how often I get laid versus how good my interactions with them are (focusing on process rather than the result).

This led me to identify the most important guiding principle that has drastically changed my dating life and my outlook on it: Geoffrey Miller’s analogy of a person’s personal cherry tree (if I remember correctly). Most people try to get quick wins by picking cherries on the bottom, versus investing in growing the tree to provide bountiful cherries, some harder to reach, but now more available to you.

Here’s how I’ve changed based on that and your other advice:

I no longer think it is a waste of time to talk to women who I don’t have interest in dating. In fact, I make more of an effort to spend time with different women, specifically to establish friendships, practice active listening and improve my interactions with women.

I make an effort to talk to more women at work. It’s helped me to boost my conversational confidence and I’m better on dates because of it. I get a chance to practice story telling, describing my life, and how to playfully flirt without being inhibited by the pressure to try and get laid.

I say yes to more happy hours, events, etc. I actively invite people to lunch at work – men and women. It’s helped bring me closer to women I want to date through mutual friends.

I am breaking away from my friend group. I’m not blowing them off all the time, but I realize most of them are in relationships and I’m not actively meeting new people because a lot of our activities are exclusive to the group. This is hard, but for me, it’s something I didn’t realize was holding me back in certain ways.

I’ve already made new friends, and when I go out or do activities, I know I have a higher status because I know a lot of people and I find that generally women are more interested in me when introduced by a mutual friend.

I practice active listening in all conversations. This is helped me in business to pick up on a lot more – specifically toward problem solving (as it usually stems from miscommunication) but this has been the easiest and most effective step toward dating / relationship improvement.

I went on two dates last week – one of the dates I didn’t focus on active listening, the other I did. I wrote down what I remembered about the girls, and the date I actively listened, I remembered twice as many things about that girl. In subsequent dates, she’s amazed that I remember her favorite beer, her cat’s name, that her brother plays football, etc. She told me she feels really comfortable around me, like she’s known me for a while.

I used to focus on how to turn the conversation back to me so I could show off my accomplishments in hopes to win a girl over – but I realized that making the girl feel like the center of the universe helps us better connect and presents more opportunity for me to integrate my stories / accomplishments without seeming to brag.

Most of my dates now end with a kiss – it’s gotten to the point where it’s weird if we don’t, because we’ve connected so well on the date, the right moments present themselves more.

I used to actively think about how I would ask to kiss her or when the right time would be – now I don’t think about it, focus on connecting, and it just happens.

My interactions with women have improved and it’s led to dates, getting laid, etc. When you take that pressure away and focus on the process (interaction) like you mentioned, good things happen.

Not only am I better with women, but I’m treating them better. I’m up-front and honest about what I want, I’m a better listener and a more fun date.

Crossfit Story:

I joined crossfit.

Prior to this – I sat down on a few occasions and thought about what I enjoyed. I also spent time thinking about the activities my ideal woman participates in.

Initially – I took this for granted, but I realized wanting a “woman who likes to have fun” doesn’t get you anywhere. I came a long way just by shutting my internet off and thinking about this (and still make time to do so).

Back to crossfit: I’m in a 3-week on-ramp class that consists of 3 guys and 8 women, 3 in my age range.

First week goes by and I’m feeling frustrated. I’ve barely talked to the 3 attractive women in my class. I start to feel like I’m failing, losing the confidence I’ve gained from new successes in online dating thanks to the podcast.

I notice I’ve already become friends with a few of the older, married woman – bing, light bulb goes off. Putting the goal of getting laid when meeting people on the back burner is a much easier concept to understand in practice.

I decide to take a deep breath, stop complicating it, and treat the other 3 girls like normal human being first, by introducing myself.

“Hi, I’m [name redacted]. How’d you get into crossfit?” went a long way.

Come to find, two of the women currently attend my alma mater and we already begin swapping stories.

I focused on active listening and picked up so much about them in just one conversation, which made it SO much easier to start new ones or share relevant stories.

I also made it a point to focus more on them than try and show by bragging about my college experience.

As I mentioned, I realized that I have bad habits that I’m now aware of and can work on fixing over time. Specifically, I notice that I tend to ignore girls I’m into, because under some false pretense I think totally ignoring them will somehow make me attractive (stupid, I know).

I regularly talk to the 3 women – and they often talk about going downtown with friends. Another realization: you don’t need to hook up with every girl you meet and you aren’t a failure if you don’t. If you get to know them, you might still get a friend out of it. That friend can introduce you to other women who you might better fit with (growing that cherry tree).

Overall, I learned that there’s no secret formula – it will take time to overcome bad habits I’ve formed using bad information about dating and sex.

I haven’t hooked up with any of the Crossfit girls, or even gotten their numbers yet, but thinking bigger picture, I know that doesn’t mean I’ve failed. My interactions with them are much better and I’m confident good things will come of it.

I believe this attitude has made me more attractive, because I’m more detached from rejection. I don’t worry that a girl doesn’t respond to a text within 24 hours, cancels a date, etc. I don’t come off as being insecure by reading into texts / interactions so much and try to go on the offensive if I think something went awry. It made me seem desperate.

The following doesn’t define my success with women, but here are the good things that have come from my recent changes:

I’m non-exclusively dating a good-looking, interesting girl.

In the past two weeks, I’ve gone on great dates with two other women (they initiated second dates), and have kissed two additional women (and planned dates) who were in the social circle I hung out with in that time.

I met two other women online and have planned dates with them.

I met an absolute 10 at a bar, but she was married. I told her about my new outlook and women and dating and she told me if she weren’t married, she’d take my number in a heartbeat.

I still have a long way to go, but I now have the fundamental understandings needed to self-assess and make the right improvements.


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