BECOME THE MAN WOMEN WANT
10th of November 2014

How To Be Attractive To Women, Pt. 6: Crazy Is Not Sexy (Mental & Emotional Health)

Introduction:

One of the least attractive things a guy can be is crazy. While most guys are not crazy, very few guys pay much attention to their mental health, and they should. In this episode, Tucker and Geoff discuss why mental health matters, what the indicators of mental health are, and how you can improve in these areas to display the traits that women find attractive.

Podcast:


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Key takeaways:

  • There is a ton of very good empirical data that shows that women are very unattracted to poor mental health and very attracted to good mental health. There’s five indicators of mental health. If you can be good at one or two of these, you’re gonna be way more attractive, but if you hit all five, you can get a lot of other things wrong if you get these right. They are humor, playfulness, openness, mental resilience, and happiness.
  • Humor is one of the most important things you can do to be attractive to women because humor is an honest signal. You cannot fake humor. You’re either funny or you’re not. Humor shows intelligence. It shows good mental health. It shows social awareness. Improv is a great way to become funny, and it also helps you with conversation, social interaction, observing other people, understanding other people and is also a great way to meet girls.
  • If you’re a playful guy on a date, a woman automatically instinctively thinks, “Wow, he would be fun with kids if he was a dad at some point in the future.” Being playful also shows warmth, which is one of the key aspects of charisma.
  • Openness is associated with things like interest in novelty, things that are different, interest in foreign travel, interest in aesthetics and arts. You’re comfortable interacting with lots of different kinds of people, different races, ethnicities, cultural backgrounds. This trait is attractive to women. Another reason that openness is attractive is that it puts you in challenging, new situations, and that lets you show your emotional resilience if things go wrong.
  • Mental resilience is a form of emotional intelligence. So, if you’re highly adaptable, what that means is something bad happens, how do you cope with it? How do you manage your own emotional responses to it? It’s useful to be resilient all the time, not just around women. Rather than getting mad when something goes wrong, just relax and try to think of a way to handle it that doesn’t involve getting distressed.
  • The best way to be happy is fill your day with lots of little things that make you happy, not trying to get one big thing. There’s a ton of research about this. Doing three or four or five little things each day that make you happy are gonna turn you into a much happier person than being miserable trying to get some accomplishment. When you achieve a big accomplishment, you’ll be happy for about a week or two weeks or a month, and then it’s gonna go away.
  • To improve mental health, you need to sleep. You need eight hours of sleep. This is incredibly important, don’t skip over this. Sleep is vital to everything in your body. Exercise regularly. It regulates hormones, regulates mood, and makes you feel better. Meditate if you have anxiety. Eating right has a huge impact on your mood. Tons of studies about most people on Western diet have bad omega-6, omega-3 balance. You increase omega-3, their mood goes through the roof. They feel 100 times better. Eat more fish, cut out sugar and grains. The standard American diet that most people eat is so toxic to your mental health that it’s actually hard to be anything other than moody and depressed on it.
  • You are essentially the average of the five people you spend the most amount of time around. So, if the five people you spend the most amount of time around are crazy, depressed, sad people, even if you’re not that way, you’re gonna shade towards that because that’s who you’re around. Spend time around the people you want to be like.
  • If you have more severe mental health issues, realize that the resources to deal with these things are better than they’ve ever been before. The psychiatric medications for dealing with psychosis are way better than even ten years ago. The range of antidepressants we have is amazing. Realize that you might have to go through a couple different therapists before you find one you click with, and you might have to try six different psychiatric meds before you find the right one or combination. This is a game of patience and resilience, and if you stick with it, you will get better.

Podcast Audio Transcription:

Tucker:
Alright, so this episode we’re gonna talk about mental health. This is different than intelligence. We’re talking about emotional, mental health and why that matters to women and how to display sort of a good mental health. So, here’s the basic principle. Crazy is not sexy. Okay? Women do not like guys who are schizophrenic, who are severely depressed, who are severely narcissistic, who are sociopathic, who have Asperger’s, who have OCD, ADD, etc.

Geoff:
Addictions.

Tucker:
Yeah. Addictions or, you know mental health issues. None of these are generally attractive to women. Almost everything we say, I’m sure you can point out one exception. Whatever it is, it’s the exception that proves the rule and you’re not gonna find girls like, well, this one girl likes depressed guys. Great. She’s probably depressed, too. So, you guys can pair up, but the vast majority of women are not gonna respond to unstable mental health. So, Dr. Miller, why don’t you talk for a second, maybe, about the basic ideas of what good mental health is and why it matters to women? It’s kind of obvious in a way, but actually when you think about it, there’s some subtlety to it.

Geoff:
You know, a lot of these mental disorders, like, actual disorders – schizophrenia, bipolar, major depression, autism – they’re highly genetic. So, one thing women are kind of looking out for unconsciously is, “Is this guy carrying some genes that predispose him to mental illness that could be passed on to my kids?” It’s unconscious, but that’s one thing women are looking for when they’ve got their creep detection radar active. A second thing is women want a good partner. Guys who are depressed don’t make good boyfriends. They’re passive…

Tucker:
Or good one-night stands, either.

Geoff:
Yeah.

Tucker:
They don’t make good anything.

Geoff:
They’re not good in bed. They’re not good in conversation. What do they have to offer? From a woman’s point of view, it’s a huge time suck. It’s an energy sink. So, good mental health is attractive ‘because it shows good genes, good partner. You’ll be a good dad in the future if she has kids with you. That’s really important because in modern America, young men typically have some kind of mental health issues and they could do better. They could take better care of their mental health, and just like physical health, a lot of guys need to just put a little more effort into this.

Tucker:
Right. So, again, this is not anecdote. This is not us just saying, oh, here’s what we think. There is a ton of very good empirical data that shows that women are very unattracted to poor mental health and very attracted to good mental health. Now, there’s five indicators of mental health. If you can be good at one or two of these, you’re gonna be way more attractive, but if you hit all five, you can get a lot of other things wrong if you get these right. So, they are humor, playfulness, openness, mental resilience, and happiness. We’re gonna go through and talk about each five, what they are, how to show them, etc. Let’s start with humor. So, we’ve talked about this on previous podcasts. Humor is one of the most important things you can do to be attractive to women because humor is an honest signal. We talked about this many times. Signals and honest signals. You cannot fake humor. You’re either funny or you’re not. Humor shows intelligence. It shows good mental health. It shows social awareness. So, Dr. Miller, talk just for a second on the genetic basis for humor and why all women in all cultures are naturally attracted to funny guys.

Geoff:
I mean, this is where there’s a little bit of a disconnect between published scientific literature vs. if you talk one-on-one with psychiatrists and clinical psychologists. I’ve collaborated with a lot of people who deal with mental health issues every day, and the psychiatrists I talk to say, “Look, if I’m seeing a patient and they were doing badly, but they come in and suddenly they’ve got a sense of humor, I know they’re getting better. I know the medicine’s working. I know whatever they’re doing is improving their mental health.” So, it’s a really sensitive indicator to your psychiatrist. It’s also a really sensitive indicator to women because they unconsciously kind of know this. If you’re psychotic, it’s really hard to make people laugh in a way that they find is actually funny and attractive. They might laugh at you, but not with you. Humor requires you understand the other person’s beliefs and desires; you understand social norms and you can violate them just a little bit but not in a threatening way; it requires a quick wit so you’re actively listening, you’re engaging…

Tucker:
A joke three days later is not a joke.

Geoff:
And it’s really hard to do that if you have any of the major mental disorders, so this is one reason why people who study humor think, wow, it’s a high bar to set. If you can be consistently funny and witty in a one-on-one conversation with women, it’s almost like a guarantee that you don’t have major mental health problems.

Tucker:
Exactly. So, we’re gonna do at least one podcast with some comedians. I think about how to be funny for a guy. But we can go a little bit into that on this podcast. Now, when you say funny, you don’t mean you have to be Richard Pryor or Chris Tucker in his prime or Louis C.K. You don’t have to be an incredibly center-of-attention stand-up comic funny. That’s actually not what you’re talking about, ‘cause in a lot of ways, that…Being a stand-up comic on stage is great, but if you are in a group of people, talking at a bar or social event and you’re giving a monologue, you’re a fucking weirdo. That’s not funny. That’s really weird. So, what are some ways that guys can be funny that you can think of? Especially ways that have been studied, where it’s like, okay, this is clearly a way to be funny, you know?

Geoff:
I mean, the key thing is, even if you’re just texting with a woman is not to respond to the literal content of everything she says, but just have a humorous, playful mindset. You’re playing with language. So, if she asks you a question, there’s no moral obligation to respond directly. You can respond playfully, you can deliberately slightly misinterpret what she says, and that shows that you’re confident enough in yourself as a man that you’ll get to her question eventually but on your own schedule, and if her response is “lol” rather than “What?”, then you know you’ve succeeded.

Tucker:
Right. She’s got a good sense of humor. Some other ways to be funny, like point out absurdities, right? You don’t have to do anything, but if some restaurant charges, I don’t know, like they have some weird charging scheme, you’re like, “How does that make sense?” and you make a joke about it, or if you see someone doing something ridiculous, you point it out. You don’t have to be mean and tease other people, although that can work. It’s much more about pointing out absurdities, is one way to be funny. Another way to be funny is having a couple of jokes. Everyone has at least two or three or four memorized jokes, right? Which is fine. Telling jokes is always funny. Make sure, though, they’re appropriate for the time. Maybe knock-knock jokes for 19-year-old girls probably isn’t the best way to go unless you can pull that off, and some people can. But, if you’re in a certain social situation, you work at Microsoft or something, I’m sure there’s a bunch of Steve Ballmer jokes, right? That’s very socially appropriate to that person whereas a Microsoft joke to someone who works in rental cars in Florida is not gonna be that funny. So, memorizing jokes, pointing out absurdities. I would say with any other type of humor, you need to be careful simply because it’s much easier to screw humor up than it is to get it right, which is why it’s so effective. It’s an honest signal, okay?

Geoff:
It’s a high-risk high-gain tactic.

Tucker:
Exactly. So, here’s something I tell guys, that if you’re not naturally funny, I would actually watch a bunch of comedians. Watch Aziz Ansari or pick your favorite comedian. Observational comedy, one or two things over the course of a date is not hard. Now, if you think you have to be funny every ten minutes, that’s really hard. You don’t. I think there’s been studies done about this, but if you actually look at what women think, when women think guys are funny in person, you actually break down how many funny things they said or did, there’s like three things in the course of a night. It’s not a high bar to hit. That’s two observations and one joke or one observation and two jokes or something like that. Or one observation, one joke, and one quip. Now, if you’re really bad at that, then there’s two big things I would do. One’s harder than the other. The hard one is finding a group of friends who are funny and just hanging out with them and you’ll learn how to be funny by imitating them. What’s cool about having male friends that are funny is all your jokes can fall flat on their face. It’s no big deal. And then they bust on you for that, and that’s funny, right?

Geoff:
You’re getting feedback.

Tucker:
Exactly. You’re getting feedback. That was actually how I became a great writer, honestly. Or, how I became a funny, effective writer, is I wrote stuff, sent it to my friends, my friends were all writers too, and over email, we’d go back and forth and they would break my fucking balls for anything that wasn’t great, and I took that feedback and it became sort of how I refined what I was doing. Now, not all guys are good socially or can find friends or whatever. That’s fine. I cannot recommend this highly enough, though: improv. Improv classes or acting classes, but specifically improv classes, ‘cause they are designed to make you accept whatever premises exist and then extend them or make a joke about them. Right? Improv classes are designed to teach people who are not good at speaking quickly or thinking up things quickly or being funny. They teach you how to do it and they have a very set structure. There’s a couple of really good improv teachers I think we might end up bringing on the podcast later. Improv will also help you substantially with conversation, social interaction, observing other people, understanding other people. These are all things that young guys especially need to get better at if you want to be good with women, is understanding people.

Geoff:
Yeah. Emotional expressiveness, nonverbal gestures, and using your body in a funny way. It’ll teach all that.

Tucker:
Improv is fantastic. And, as an added benefit, it’s a great way to meet girls. We’re gonna say this again and again and dive deep in a later podcast into this subject, but going to bars and clubs is one of the worst places you can go to meet girls. Absolutely one of the worst in almost every way. Improv class is one of the best because you are put in a situation where it’s ten to fifteen people, you have to get to know each other, you have to interact with each other, so it’s expected. It’s not awkward at all. Everyone’s a little bit insecure ‘because no one’s good at it. If you have a little bit of courage – even if you’re not good, if you have a little bit of courage, all of a sudden you look good and you’re in front of usually more girls than guys. Like, if it’s six girls and four guys, then the ratio is really good, and all you have to do is be better than two or three of those guys and you’re one of the hottest guys in the immediate area of six girls. That’s a fantastic way to meet girls. I think this leads really good into number two, which is playfulness.

Geoff:
One more thing about humor first. Guys, another key way to display good humor is just be able to talk about your own life in a way that’s funny. This is the story of Tucker’s whole career, really. Tucker’s book sold millions ‘cause it’s funny stories about his life. So, if a woman asks you about your background, your family, your education, you should be able to explain it in a way that is amusing, subtly self-deprecating – self-deprecating humor, where you’re kind of making a little bit of fun of yourself, that’s really powerful. We’ve done studies on this. It’s very attractive to women.

Tucker:
Generally speaking, the more high-status what you’re doing is, the more you need to be self-deprecating about it and the more attractive that is. Now, self-deprecating does not mean put yourself down. “Oh, I went to some crappy school in the Northeast.” “What’s it called?” “Harvard.” Then you sound like a fucking asshole, right? It doesn’t mean putting yourself down. It means being like, “Yeah, I went to Harvard. I’m sorry. I don’t want to drop the H-bomb like every other asshole that goes to Harvard does, but I did actually go.” And then it’s like, okay, she laughs at the fact that you’re making fun of the fact that everyone that went to Harvard is a pompous dick about having gone there, right? That’s a good example of something that’s self-effacing without putting yourself down. Keep going.

Geoff:
Yeah, like for me, when I talk about going to grad school at Stanford, I’ll usually talk about I drove the shittiest car at Stanford, like a 1981 Pontiac that had…its belts just squealed every time I parked in the oval. That’s the right way to talk about it. You kind of…yes, say, okay, I went to Stanford. Whatever. I’m proud of that. But there’s this other aspect of that part of my life that’s kind of hilarious and funny and cops would actually pull me over in this Pontiac and think I was like a coke addict or something. Then, I’d explain, “No, actually. I’m a Psych PhD student.” And then the cops would be like, “Okay, you’re free to go, sir. Now we understand why you’re driving such an appalling vehicle.”

Tucker:
Right. So, yes. I forgot about that, actually. Being self-deprecating is a great way to be funny because making fun of yourself – just don’t do it all the time. If you do it constantly, then it becomes depressing, right? So, serious sad things, don’t be self-deprecating about. Some people can do that. Be careful with that. Basically, the rule of thumb is the more impressive what you do is or what you’ve done is or the more available it is for jokes, the more you need to make a joke about it. Like, it’s not impressive that he had a shitty car. But it is funny. So, if you recognize it and bring it up, then the girl doesn’t hold it against you. In fact, you get points because you’re the one who pointed out how ridiculous your fucking car is. Everyone laughs, and in that back of her mind she’s like, “Oh, this guy’s so funny,” which triggers six attraction checkmarks in the mammalian brain.

Geoff:
Also, self-deprecation shows, specifically, you’re not super narcissistic, ‘cause narcissistic guys can’t make fun of themselves. And psychopaths, sociopaths are also not good at making fun of themselves. So, if you do a little self-deprecation, it kind of shows, “I’m not a narcissist. I’m not a sociopath.”

Tucker:
It ties in. I said point out absurdities. You can point them out in yourselves, as well. Alright, so playfulness. So, playfulness is very similar to humor but not exactly the same thing. Why don’t you talk for a second about what playfulness shows to women and then we’ll kind of get into how to be more playful?

Geoff:
Humans are a really weird species because if you look at other primates, they’re super playful when they’re young. Like, young chips, young orangutans. They’ll play, play chasing, play fighting, they’ll tease each other. They’re funny. And then they hit sexual maturity, puberty, and they become dead serious. They just stop playing. Humans are unique, really, in that we keep playing into adulthood. We kind of have fun with each other. We have games and sports and we tease and we do a lot of stuff that juvenile primates do to each other, and that’s really attractive to women. Adult human playfulness is one of the main ways we interact with kids. If you’re a playful guy on a date, a woman automatically instinctively thinks, “Wow, he would be fun with kids if he was a dad at some point in the future.”

Tucker:
And, “He’s fun with me.”

Geoff:
Yeah. “And he’s fun with me.” Women don’t just want to have fun, but they want to have fun, and if you’re playful in the improv comedy class or in the grocery store, you’re also gonna be playful in bed, and that will be fun.

Tucker:
So, there’s a ton of different ways to be playful. Obviously, being playful displays all of the positive attributes very similar to humor. They’re closely aligned. Not exactly the same thing, but they’re very closely aligned so playful people aren’t depressed. They’re not sociopaths. Etc. We talked about that. But the ways to be playful. If you’re not naturally very playful, if you’re kind of stiff, then take improv class. It will really help you. You can go places that are playful, so you can actually go to an improv class on a date. Watch other people perform. It’s usually really funny. You can watch stand-up comics perform. That’s funny. You can go do things that are playful, like I can’t tell you how many girls on dates I’ve taken to Chuck E Cheese, and it’s like…obviously, at first, you’re like, “What the fuck? That’s super weird.” But then we go play ski ball, and then we do all kinds of stuff, and then the girl usually, within the first thirty minutes, is like, ecstatic, ‘cause she’s like…when’s the last time an adult went and did little kid things, right? But little kid things are usually really fucking fun.

Geoff:
That’s why kids do them!

Tucker:
Exactly. And so, I’ve done that many times and it’s funny, ‘cause also, I’ll make a joke. Like, “Oh, we’re gonna go to Chuck E Cheese. You knew I was a pedophile, right? Is that okay?” That’s playful. That’s self-deprecating. It’s funny, right? Because obviously, it’s absurd. A pedophile on a date. That’s so absurd you have to laugh at it, ‘cause it’s like, what the fuck? “We’re gonna go pick up some little kids and maybe have a threesome or something.” Like, I make those jokes all the time. It works for me. Might not work for everybody with every girl, but obviously it works for me. But, what’s fun is, you get super competitive at ski ball, and it’s like you have a lot of tickets, and you get little toys. They’re stupid, crappy toys, but they have meaning, and it’s like, you’re funny, you’re playful, you’re doing something new that’s really…crazy, depressed people would never do that. Ever. Right?

Geoff:
Yeah. And remember, inside every 22-year-old woman is a little girl who misses playing.

Tucker:
Just like a boy, too.

Geoff:
And if you can bring that out in her and she feels, “Oh man, the whole burden of trying to be a sexy woman is lifted from me and I actually connected to him, like, 8-year old boy playing with 8-year-old girl…”

Tucker:
Playfulness also shows warmth, which is one of the key aspects of charisma. We’re gonna have a whole podcast, maybe multiple ones, on charisma. But, basically, charisma breaks down to do you display effectiveness and warmth combined? Which is really hard to do, but the only men who are playful either are juveniles or are very warm. You’re not a juvenile if you’re listening to this, I hope you’re not twelve listening to this shit. Actually, maybe, 12-year-old, getting ready. But 8-year-olds aren’t listening to this. That’s juvenile. If you are a grown man with adult responsibilities and accomplishments but you can still play, that’s a great display of warmth. It’s extremely charismatic and attractive. So, again, you can always take girls to places to be playful, so how can you be playful in person? There’s a bunch of different ways. Teasing is sort of humor, sort of playful. You’ve got to be careful with teasing. It’s really easy for guys that don’t understand women to take it overboard, right? But there’s different things…Okay, I do this all the time. I’ll be, like, walking down the street with a girl and we’ll see some homeless guy and I’ll be like, “Oh, your ex-boyfriend looks really bad since you broke up with him,” or something. She’s like, “What?” and then she laughs. It’s not making fun of the homeless guy. It’s making fun of her ex. It’s being playful, right? Or, you know, like, you’re standing in line. It depends how well you know the girl, but you’re standing in line to go somewhere and she’s in front of you and then there’s some weirdo in front of her, right? You just kind of subtly push her – like take her arm and, like, push it up to his butt or something like that, right? And she’s like, “No, don’t do that!” She’ll, like, freak out, but it’s a funny playfulness. Now, guys, don’t just grab random girls and push them into other people. That’s not funny. That’s not playful. You have to read the situation and understand if she’s into playfulness, it’s okay. The other way that girls can be…the more she feels safe with you, the more playful you can be, so you need to establish. Generally, take this in order. If you’re funny, she’s gonna feel safe with you, and then you can become more playful. Right? Just test a little bit. A little bit here, a little bit this, a little bit that. You know, some girls just aren’t funny and playful. They just don’t like that stuff. Okay. Don’t do it. If you don’t care, no big deal. If you’re playful, too, then that’s not the right girl for you. Alright, you know what we should also talk about? This is a good place to bring up drugs, because that’s what drugs do, is make people feel more playful.

Geoff:
Yeah. Yeah. So, you probably know a little more about alcohol than me.

Tucker:
Well, yes. I like to drink.

Geoff:
But, you know, one key reason why people drink alcohol as adults is it kind of regresses them a little bit. It disinhibits them. It makes them a little more playful. For me, it just makes me depressed, which is why I don’t drink much, but a lot of guys drink and they get playful. And in moderation, that can be super effective. It makes mild introverts into mild extroverts. It makes you kind of a little dumber, but in a creative, constructive, fun way.

Tucker:
Up to, usually somewhere between two to five drinks, it doesn’t really make you dumber so much as it releases your inhibitions and loosens you up. Over five is when you start to get sloppy and stupid. Generally speaking. Another way I was thinking about this, I do this all the time with girls. We go to, like, some store, like Target. I’ve got to pick up something, right? It’s so easy to do ridiculous fun shit in Target, right? Or Walmart. Pick your favorite store. Just be walking down the aisle and you’ll see someone that works there and ask them, like, a ridiculous question. Like, “Hey, where are your faberge eggs?” or something, and they’re like, “What? Faber-what?” And they start looking around for it, and it’s like…if the girl knows what a faberge egg is, it’s funny. That’s a little pompous, right? Or, you know, just pick up the toys and start playing with them, or, I don’t know. This stuff all works for me, so I’m not necessarily saying you should do it. But I do stuff all the time where I’ll start yelling. Like, we can’t find something, so I’ll just start yelling, “WHERE IS THE COTTON BALLS?” Like, in Target. And the girl will be like, “Shh, stop it! You can’t yell in Target!” I’m like, “Why not?” If you don’t do it angry. If you do it funny, it’s whatever, kind of funny. You can try on ridiculous clothes that aren’t meant for you, which is always funny. Like, put on a really tight shirt, like a kid’s shirt that says something ridiculous like, “I’m not chubby, this is muscle,” or something, like a baby shirt. Then you walk out and it’s all tight and you’re like, “I think this is a little tight. What do you think? I don’t know. Maybe I can lose some weight and fit?” And she’s like, “Oh, my god!” And things like that, those are just examples of being playful. Adjust them to fit your personality.

Geoff:
Yeah. And these are all, like, benignly violating social convention, so there’s a social convention against just yelling in stores randomly, but if you yell out, “Where are the fucking cotton balls?” Or don’t say fucking ‘cause it’s a family store. “Where are the cotton balls?” Nobody’s harmed, right? It violates a social norm, but nobody’s harmed, and that’s playful. So, playfulness is a mindset. It’s about seeing your environment, the objects and people around you, as occasions for fun, right? Not taking them seriously.

Tucker:
And not even necessarily at their expense.

Geoff:
Yeah. It’s just like, you know, the fundamentals of kid playfulness. “I’m gonna pretend this banana’s a telephone.” Right?

Tucker:
Right. Or I’ll talk to people, like, you know, we’ll go to restaurants and I’ll talk to them in redneck voice. “Hi, what are these? These creps? Crepes? What are these called?” Or whatever, and then they’ll look at me like I’m retarded, which means the girl will be wetting herself laughing or something, and then the waitress is like, “You’re a moron,” and I’m like, “You’re right. I am. I’m sorry.” And it’s fun. Everyone laughs, right? It’s sort of self-deprecating. It’s playful. It’s funny. It’s all these sorts of things. Again, I’m not telling you to talk like a redneck to get girls. Find out what works for you and do it. It totally just depends. Alright, so next one. Openness. You’ve actually written a lot about openness. I know in Spent, you wrote about it. So, talk about openness a little bit.

Geoff:
Openness is a personality trait. Openness to experience, it’s called, right? And what it is associated with is things like interest in novelty, things that are different, interest in foreign travel, interest in aesthetics and arts. You know, if you’re highly open, you’re into a diversity of different kinds of music. You know, anything from classical to dubstep. If you’re highly open, you’re comfortable with foreign travel. You’re comfortable interacting with lots of different kinds of people, different races, ethnicities, cultural backgrounds. Openness tends to correlate with political liberalism, but we’re not gonna advocate you become liberal.

Tucker:
No. This is not, like, you have to vote for Obama.

Geoff:
I’m just kind of explaining what it correlates with. So, there are ways to be highly open, even if you’re politically conservative. Even if you don’t like foreign travel. It’s a mindset that says I’ll give that a try. That looks cool. I’ve never done that before.

Tucker:
That means, like, eating new things. It can be as simple as eating new things, trying new activities, trying a new drink, going to a bar and being like, “Hey, bartender, what do you think is the best thing here?” “It’s the whatever,” whatever hipster drink fucking weirdoes like. “Let me try that. I’ve never had it.” That simple fucking act – look, a girl’s not gonna go, “Oh, I didn’t like him and now I want to fuck him because of that.” It’s just a way to display openness. What openness does is it brings excitement and variability and randomness into light, and like we’ve told you, most people’s lives are boring and tedious and shitty. If you can change that in your interactions, not only do you have more fun, she has more fun, and girls like to fuck fun guys. I’m sorry, I interrupted you.

Geoff:
Yeah. It shows that you’re not stuck in your ways, god forbid you’re a 21-year-old guy who’s already got, like, habits.

Tucker:
“I’ve got my drink and that’s it!”

Geoff:
“I got my GNT and I’m gonna play World of Warcraft for the next five hours…”

Tucker:
“I’m gonna drink until I die!”

Geoff:
‘Cause here’s the key thing. A high-quality woman, if she’s considering you, whether it’s a one-night stand, girlfriend, husband, whatever, you’re gonna have to make certain accommodations for her. Your joint lives together are gonna be different from your life as a single guy. If you’re highly open, that means, “I’m capable of adapting to dramatic new life changes like maybe marriage or having kids or living together or moving to a different city.” If you’re a young guy and you’re already set in your ways, that’s scary to a woman. That means what I see is what I get forever.

Tucker:
Most women. There are some who are, if she’s not open at all and you’re not open, you guys are probably a good match, actually, but you’re right. Most women do not like that. I’ll give you a great example. I do this all the time with girls, is I’ll…I mean, I have a girlfriend now, but when I was single, I’d do this all the time, is be like, you know, if you’re in this sort of dating phase where you’re going to dinner with girls – not everyone is in that phase, but whatever. You’re picking a place to go, whether it’s a bar to meet or it’s a place to get dinner, what I used to do sometimes if I didn’t know what I wanted, first I’d ask the girl, “Is there anywhere…?” And most girls are like, “No, you pick,” because they want you to show decisiveness. That’s a different podcast. We’ll cover why, most of the time, girls want you to pick. But what I would do is I would be like, “Alright. I’ve never been to this place. I’ve heard good things. How would you like to go?” “Yeah!” I’d be hard-pressed to think of a time where a girl wasn’t like, “That sounds cool.” Or, “Hey, there’s this new food truck. You want to try it?” or, “There’s this new X.” New X. Almost anything, unless it’s something she hates. If she’s like, “Oh, no, I’m allergic to shellfish, so I don’t want to go to the oyster bar,” that makes sense. That’s not openness. She doesn’t want to dive into anaphylactic shock. But anything like that.

Geoff:
And also, if it sucks, it’s not your fault.

Tucker:
And you get to make a joke about it and you can be self-deprecating and you can go do something else.

Geoff:
Openness is partly attractive ‘cause it puts you in challenging, new situations, and that lets you show your emotional resilience if things go wrong. So, it’s almost like you’re setting yourself up in a kind of high-risk situation where, hey, maybe the food truck does suck. Well, how do you cope with that? The woman wants to know how you cope with stress…

Tucker:
You tip over a Port-O-Potty. What else would you do? That’s how I deal with my anger.

Geoff:
Right. You go back to the trunk of your car and get out your battering ram…

Tucker:
Get out your M60 and you shoot the thing up. What else would you do?

Geoff:
So, she kind of likes those high-stress situations, ‘cause it shows what you’re made of. Right? When shit hits the fan. So, openness works on several levels, and people who are depressed, people who are psychotic hate openness. It freaks them out.

Tucker:
Alright, so, which leads into the next one. Resilience and adaptability. Okay, so this is one of those weird things where it’s like, a lot of people hear this but they don’t really know what it means. Why don’t you explain on a genetic level what you’re talking about, on a human level? Before we get into specific examples.

Geoff:
It’s kind of a form of emotional intelligence. So, if you’re highly adaptable, what that means is something horrible happens, some challenge pops up in the environment that kind of sucks, that you need to cope with. How do you cope with it? How do you manage your own emotional responses to it? If you crumble–

Tucker:
If you get a flat tire and start crying, she’s not gonna be attracted to you.

Geoff:
Right. And why? Not because she hates you or she suddenly hates you. It’s because she knows, “Wow, this generalizes across situations. If he crumbles when there’s a flat tire, what’s he gonna be like if I get cancer or if our kid has an accident or if something actually seriously goes wrong?” Any kind of long-term relationship is gonna have those challenges.

Tucker:
I’ll tell you, I’ve never…I can think of many situations where I’ve just been out with a girl and something random happened, like there was a car wreck across the street or whatever. Some crazy thing that didn’t even involve us or that did involve us. Flat tire or whatever, and I’m a pretty capable, effective guy in pretty much all areas of my life. Not all, but most areas of my life, and I just reacted my normal way, which is whatever. Handled the situation, etc. Whatever needed to be done, I just did it. I didn’t really think about it, and pretty much every single time, the girl was, like, super turned on or was like, “Wow, that was so cool,” or whatever. And it’s not like I’m going out looking for car wrecks on dates so I can help people or something. It’s just whenever that stuff happened, it was always beneficial. I can think of a couple times, actually, where something happened and I didn’t react well and it didn’t turn out well. Like, one time in a restaurant I can think of, I got really pissed off at this waiter for something, and there’s ways to deal with waiters that are effective and ineffective, and I let my anger get the best of me and dealt with it in a very ineffective way, and she was like, “Take me home.” It was not good.

Geoff:
But that’s, like, the only time Tucker’s ever lost his temper in a restaurant.

Tucker:
Well, if I’m with a girl I’ve known for a long time, it’s a different thing. I’m talking about more sort of beginning type of relationships. So, anyway, here’s the thing with resilience and adaptability. If you’re mentally healthy and some sort of problem happens, it doesn’t even matter. We’re not saying, hey, you’ve got to be James Bond or MacGyver and know how to fix everything. Sometimes, you just don’t know how to do shit. You get a flat tire, what do you do? Are you calm? What do you do? Do you change it? I’ll be honest. I don’t know how to change a fucking flat tire. I can probably figure it out or I can do something better. I can use my fucking smart phone and call AAA and they’ll be there in fifteen minutes and do a better job than I would do. So, do I stay calm? Do I call AAA? I handle it immediately, and then we just sit in the car with the air conditioning on and make jokes until it shows up, right? Either way is okay. Probably changing it really quickly yourself is nine times out of ten gonna be more attractive to the girl. I’ll be honest, I’ve never changed a flat tire in my fucking life, and I don’t want to. That’s why I have fucking hired AAA. Either way is fine, though. The point is, how do you handle it? What’s your emotional state? What is your mental health when a stressful situation occurs?

Geoff:
Yeah. The difference is if you’re on a date and something goes wrong, an immature male will react by going, “Oh, crap, the date’s ruined. The date’s ruined.” This happened to me all the time as a teenager. The date’s ruined. She hates me because it didn’t go perfectly to plan. What I didn’t understand is from the woman’s point of view, golden opportunity. She gets to evaluate your resilience. Right? And if you step up and you demonstrate, “Hey, I handle this like a man. Not like an emotionally fragile boy,” it’s even better than nothing going wrong on that date.

Tucker:
It actually is. Right. We are not telling you to go look for problems on a date, just like during the self-defense discussion. We weren’t like, “Hey, go start fights on dates.” No. Not in the least. But, if you can handle things that happened, we’re talking about even little things, right? You pull up a restaurant where you’re going to dinner; the restaurant’s closed. What do you do then? Do you freak out and get pissed off and act like a weirdo or do you immediately say, “Alright. There’s two other places around here. Let’s try that,” or you know, whatever, you know what I’m saying? That shows resilience and that’s very attractive to women. Because again, that shows capability and effectiveness, which is….if you’re trying to figure out the underlying principle of almost everything we’re saying when we tell you things to improve or what to think about, it’s essentially are you capable or effective at life? Or are you empathetic and caring with a woman? Those two things.

Geoff:
Yeah. And just like you can practice humor with your guy friends, you can practice resilience in your ordinary life. you don’t just have to be resilient around women. Even if you’re by yourself and oh, you wanted to eat there. It’s closed. Don’t cuss at yourself. Don’t berate yourself. Think, “How would James Bond handle this?” Or whoever! Whoever your idol is. How would I show resilience in that situation? If you get into that habit of responding, thinking, “Oh, it’s not a big deal. How else can I handle it?” Then, by the time you’re actually on a date with a woman and something happens, you’ll have that happen.

Tucker:
Ask anyone, guy or girl, describe the best date you’ve ever been on, and a lot of times, there’ll be things where there were disasters that the guy turned around. Legitimately. I can think of some of the best dates I’ve ever been on are, like…the girl’s dress was ruined because of some weird thing that happened or whatever or we’re at a bar and there was a huge fight and the bar caught on fire and then we ran somewhere else. Like, crazy, ridiculous things that you can’t plan but you handle well tend to be – because they create high-intensity emotional responses, and if you handle it well, the woman is primed to be very attracted to your response, and vice versa.

Geoff:
Yeah. And showing resilience in those challenging situations is also what the woman’s gonna brag about to her girlfriends. It’s memorable.

Tucker:
Right. So, think about that on the other side. No dude is ever like, “Man, the restaurant ran out of coffee and she broke down in tears. It was pretty hot, dude. I was really…” No dude ever says that. That’s not attractive. Almost everything we’re saying goes both ways, at least, in certain ways. Not exactly the same. Men and women are different. It’s not the exact same thing, but if you think about it that way, then it makes sense. So, I think the first four things we’re talking about, in a lot of ways, kind of blend together to create overall happiness. So, let’s talk a little bit about happiness. What does happiness mean? ‘Cause a lot of people have the wrong impression. They think, “Oh, happiness means I have to be ecstatic all the time, like a fucking crazy person or something,” and they don’t really understand what happiness means.

Geoff:
There’s a huge amount of research now on happiness, the last twenty years especially in this field called positive psychology. But basically, it means subjective well-being, the sense that life is going well, that you’re getting enjoyment out of the daily activities. Happiness is not mania. It’s not running around like a mad person.

Tucker:
Like Gary Busey.

Geoff:
Dancing in the streets…

Tucker:
That’s lunatic!

Geoff:
Or…It’s not even acting like you’re in love, which is kind of a form of mania. It can just be quiet contentment. It can be just actually chewing and enjoying the taste of your food rather than just mindlessly scarfing it down. It can be…

Tucker:
Are you making fun of me?

Geoff:
…Tucker eats really fast. Like, if Tucker was a dog in a dog pack, he would basically get 80% of any given carcass that the dog pack killed. Yeah. So, happiness is just enjoying life, and that’s hugely attractive to women, because again, if you’ve got bad mental health, you’re not gonna enjoy life.

Tucker:
Who wants to be around sad people? It boils down to that. We can talk about all the genetics and the evolutionary reasons and they’re all true. No one wants to be around sad people. So, if you’re sad…Here’s the thing, guys. It’s okay to be sad. If you’re sad, deal with your sadness, and we’re gonna talk about how to improve your mental health. You don’t have to hide the fact that you’re sad, but we’re just saying, if you’re trying to meet women and create relationships – short, medium, or long – with women, sadness is not a good strategy. It won’t work. It will not work, unless you are, like, Morrissey and you’re a musician. Unless you’re them, sadness doesn’t work. So, let’s actually talk…We might have to do a whole, separate thing about this, but here’s one way to think about happiness. The best way to be happy is fill your day with lots of little things that make you happy, not trying to get one big thing. There’s a ton of research about this. This is not me just talking out of my ass. Let’s say that having bacon and eggs makes you happy so you have that for breakfast, and that you love great coffee so you spend a little bit more money on really good imported coffee. So, your breakfast is good food and coffee. You’re happy. You like to work out at noon and there’s a cool place you work out at and exercise makes you happy. Then, you like to walk down to the corner store and get a Kombucha or whatever, which is this weird fermented tea that I drink. That makes you happy. Then, whatever, like there’s three other things that you do that make you a little bit happy. Doing three or four or five little things each day that make you happy are gonna turn you into a much happier person than being miserable trying to get some accomplishment, like have a best-selling book and that’s all you care about. Everything that you do is about that. When it hits, you’ll be happy for about a week or two weeks or a month, and then it’s gonna go away. ‘Cause the way that our brain chemicals work – the oxytocin, the dopamine, serotonin, etc. – they basically give you a little bump when you get something that makes you happy and then it goes away. You’re better off with lots of small wins rather than one big win.

Geoff:
It’s a matter of taking care of yourself in a way. It’s, like, being compassionate to yourself and figuring out what actually makes you happy rather than what you think should make you happy.

Tucker:
Yes. That’s another good point.

Geoff:
So, if you can keep yourself happy, that demonstrates self-insight. You know yourself as a man. It demonstrates self-compassion, that you’re kind to yourself, and that also predicts are you gonna be kind to a girlfriend or to kids or to other people?

Tucker:
Let’s start talking about the ways to improve mental health. Because I think this would be a good way to wrap everything up. We just talked about happiness a little bit, right? But the tips we’re about to give you will basically improve definitely your happiness, definitely your overall mood, and then probably will help not just your humor, playfulness, resilience, but also a bunch of the other things we’re gonna talk about – intelligence, etc. The first and most important thing – and I’m gonna hammer this over and over – you need to get fucking sleep. You need eight hours of sleep. There is so much research. People don’t even research it anymore ‘cause it’s boring. Oh, here’s a whole other piece about how important sleep is and how crucial it is to every fucking thing in your body. If you are not getting eight hours of sleep, you are fucking yourself. I can’t emphasize this enough. Don’t skip over this. Eight hours of good sleep in a dark room is super crucial and important. It sounds crazy, but there’s almost nothing you can do that can help you get laid more than that. If you’re getting five, six hours and you bump it to eight, you’re gonna see an incredible amount of results. Next thing, exercise. Exercise regularly. It regulates hormones, regulates mood, makes you feel better. I don’t care what you do exercise-wise. We’ve talked about some exercise stuff in the past. We’ll talk about more on other podcasts. If you want to do Cross fit, do it. If you want to run sprints, do it. If you want to play Ultimate Frisbee, fine. I don’t give a shit. Ping-Pong. What the fuck ever. It doesn’t really matter. Video games aren’t exercise, though. Just to be clear. Nutrition. Eating right has a huge impact on your mood. Huge! Tons of studies about most people on Western diet have bad omega-6, omega-3 balance. You increase omega-3, their mood goes through the roof. They feel 100 times better. Like, the prison studies done. Violence went down in prison with omega-3 supplementation.

Geoff:
Or just eat more fish.

Tucker:
Eat more fish. Basically, cut out sugar and grain, as we’ve talked about many times. Or, cut as much as you can on the sugar and grain and you’re gonna feel way better. Again, go to TheMatingGrounds.com. We have tons of resources about what to eat, how to exercise, how to sleep. Okay?

Geoff:
Guys, the standard American diet that most of you are eating is so toxic to your mental health that it’s actually hard to be anything other than moody and depressed on it. So, just cut out the sodas, the potato chips, carbs, breads, grain…

Tucker:
Soda, ice cream, candy, bread, grain. Anything that has bread, pasta. Cut that shit out. You’ll feel better.

Geoff:
You’ll see your mood smooth out. You’ll have more resilience kind of automatically within a week or two.

Tucker:
Physical and mental.

Geoff:
Yeah.

Tucker:
Alright, so those are sort of the basic things you don’t think about as mood-related, but very much impact mood. Some other things you can do. If you have a lot of anxiety, I would recommend for free, you can start meditating. There’s a ton of books and resources teaching people how to meditate. Meditation is real simple. Fucking sit there with your eyes basically closed, pay attention to your breath, and sit with your thoughts. We’ll recommend a bunch of different resources on meditation. You don’t need to read 50 books. Sit down and be alone with your thoughts. It really helps. You wouldn’t believe it. There’s a ton of research about this. Buddhist monks are not crazy people. That shit really fucking works. If you have deep anxiety or emotional issues, you should really consider counseling, psychotherapy, psychoanalysis, some kind of talk therapy. I’m in psychoanalysis. I go four times a week. It’s helped me so much. I can’t even being to tell you how much it’s helped, and it’s not like I was a fucking crazy person. I was super successful. All this has done is made me more successful at relationships, at women, at life, at business, at everything. Alright? The next thing. You are essentially the average of the five people you spend the most amount of time around. So, if the five people you spend the most amount of time around are crazy, depressed, sad people, even if you’re not that way, you’re gonna shade towards that because that’s who you’re around. I cannot emphasize this enough. Spend time around…ideally, find the people you want to be and spend time with them. Make those people your five friends that you spend the most time around. People that you want to emulate or be like, people who are doing things you want to do. If you spend time around them, you are going to both consciously and unconsciously start to emulate them. How do you feel when you’re around someone who’s fun and cheery? You feel fun and cheery! Those people are great. It’s not hard to be fun and cheery if you’re around fun and cheery people all the time. There’s a ton of studies about this, too. Actually, the friends of your friends have more of an impact on your well-being and emotional state than a $15,000 raise at work. How crazy is that to think about? The friends of your friends. Not even your friends. ‘Cause the friends of your friends impact your friends, which then impact you. Second-order impacts are usually some of the most influential things in your life and you don’t even realize it.

Geoff:
Yeah. And this is also why the twelve-step programs like AA work, right? It’s not necessarily that you’re giving yourself over to a Higher Power, but you’re simply spending time around people who aren’t drinking, and then you will tend not to drink if you do that.

Tucker:
Right, if that’s your issue.

Geoff:
Right. If you’re an alcoholic. Likewise, if you want to become funny, playful, and resilient, spend time around people who are funny, playful, and resilient and you’ll just start soaking it up. ‘Cause we’re such a social species.

Tucker:
Yeah. I mean, look, I’ve helped I don’t know how many dudes that started fucking improv because of me. Not even that I do improv. I don’t really even need it, but I know at least six or seven people in Austin who started – guys, all of them. Three of them are dating really hot girls now. All of them are happier. All of them have new sets of friends, most of them they met through improv. It’s like improv could be fucking…they could be charging eight times the amount…They could sell improv as a cure for everything that ails you and charge ten times more and these dude would do testimonials. It’s fucking crazy. If you take one thing away from this podcast, go take an improv class.

Geoff:
Also, guys, think about all the other social choices that you make. Every time you choose a college class, you’re not just choosing the content of the class. You’re choosing who are my classmates? What type of person would take this class? Do I want to be like that kind of person?

Tucker:
Like Pre-Med Chem! You’re gonna be around a bunch of anxious fucking weirdoes.

Geoff:
Yeah. Pre-Meds who are, like, cut-throats are sociopaths. I’ve taken Organic Chemistry. I know how that goes. If you’re thinking, “Oh, should I take something on existential philosophy and…”

Tucker:
Ugh, the worst! Think about who’s gonna take that class. The worst.

Geoff:
Yeah. Do you want to be surrounded by suicidal nihilists? That will not make you feel better.

Tucker:
Nope.

Geoff:
Likewise, choosing a job, ask yourself not just what does it pay but who else works there? Who do I surround myself with every day? There’s certain jobs where, yeah, it pays less, but if it builds your social skills and makes you happy and builds your resilience, it’s worth doing.

Tucker:
Absolutely. Cannot emphasize that enough. Alright, so to recap. Emotional health, mental health, very, very important. Foundational for attraction. If you are sad, depressed, whatever, have all these issues, you need to fix them. Actually, let’s talk about that. Let’s end on that. So, what about the dudes – and they are out there – who have real sort of mental issues? Like, most guys who are depressed, sad, whatever, you can fix them with sleep and diet and that kind of stuff. The vast majority. 90+%. But there are those dudes out there who were born with neurochemical disorders or born with autism or Asperger’s who, like, really have the deck stacked against them. What do those dudes do?

Geoff:
I encounter a lot of this. I’ve deals with mental health issues a lot in my extended family. I have relatives with bipolar and schizophrenia and Asperger’s. And if you’re a psych professor, oh, my god, you teach classes and then students come to your office hours with issues. I’ve had people come to my office hours, college students who open everything from, “Hey, Prof, sorry I missed the midterm exam. I was kidnapped by a rival drug gang.” Literally, this happened.

Tucker:
Well, this is New Mexico. This is the home of Breaking Bad.

Geoff:
Yeah. But, I kid you not, that happens. But people will come in literally suicidal. Serious depression. They start hearing voices. All that stuff happens. The first thing you realize is a) stop beating yourself up. It’s not your fault. A lot of this stuff is highly genetic. It’s the role of a genetic dice. You had the misfortune of happening to inherit these vulnerabilities from your parents. Is it their fault? No. They got the genes from their parents, and so forth. So, don’t blame yourself. Don’t blame your parents. It’s bad luck. Accept it. Deal with it constructively. Second, realize the resources to deal with these things are better than they’ve ever been before. The psychiatric medications for dealing with psychosis are way better than even ten years ago. The range of antidepressants we have is amazing. Some of them have some sexual side affects you want to look into, but generally, the meds are awesome compared to twenty years ago. I teach Clinical Psych PhDs. There are literally hundreds of thousands of people in America who have dedicated their lives and their careers to helping people like you if you have mental health problems. Almost all of them are well-intentioned. A lot of them really know what they’re doing. It’s important to pick them well. Get help. Find people particularly who talk about, “Oh, I use evidence-based treatments.” That works. Empirically-validated treatments. That’s good. And realize, also, you might have to go through a couple different therapists before you find one you click with. Stick with it. You might have to try six different psychiatric meds before you find the right one or combination. This is a game of patience and resilience, and if you stick with it, you will get better.

Tucker:
Yeah. So, I think we said in the introduction a few weeks ago, whenever, that if you do what we say, you’re basically guaranteed success with women. At least, you’re gonna do better than you were. The only sort of caveats are some guys are just stuck behind the 8-ball with mental health issues. But even those dudes, if you put in the work, you really commit to improving…Dude, it sucks. I don’t really have those sorts of mental health issues, but I know people who do. It fucking sucks, man. It’s not fair, but it’s like, look, we all have our problems. You just have worse problems than others. You got dealt the shitty hand. But, there are ways to improve and there are ways to live a happy, healthy, functioning life. In fact – that’s what’s crazy, is certain mental health issues can actually be beneficial in certain ways, if you utilize them. Sort of like, I don’t mean to be insulting, but dyslexia can actually be…even though it’s an impediment in formal schooling, it can be a benefit. You can turn it into a benefit. There are ways that schizophrenics are more creative. There are ways that manics make great entrepreneurs, especially hypo-manics. There are ways that whatever your problem is, there might be certain ways – assuming you’ve got it under control and manage it – that you can actually use the disadvantages as advantages.

Geoff:
The more self-knowledge you have about this and the more upfront you are, the better it can work. I’ve got a lot of friends who are Aspy…I worked in a fucking economics department for four years. They all have Asperger’s. Honestly. They do not understand human social life. But, the friends I have who have that, who are a little Aspy, and who are upfront about it…

Tucker:
Do way better.

Geoff:
Who when they’re in a conversation and say, “Look. I do have a bit of a recent enthusiasm about the evolution of mitochondrial DNA. It I go on about that more than six minutes, please interrupt me.” And I’m like, I can take six minutes about mitochondrial DNA evolution. But yes, they’re upfront.

Tucker:
Which, by the way, humor, self-deprecation.

Geoff:
Yeah. They’re self-deprecating, and if you’re a little Aspy and you’re like, “Hey. I’m not very good with social cues. Help me out.”

Tucker:
People tend to be pretty empathetic about that.

Geoff:
Yeah. Particularly in America. A lot of these things are a lot less stigmatized than they used to be.

Tucker:
Yeah. I totally agree.

Geoff:
And this is why women take psychology classes. This is why 70% of psych majors are women. A lot of women are very interested in these things and they’re kind of fascinated by it. So, if you have a little bit of a mental health challenge and you manage it well and you overcome it, that can actually be attractive ‘cause it shows a kind of higher-order resilience.

Tucker:
And willpower, which we’re gonna get to.

Geoff:
It shows willpower, it shows intelligence. “I researched it, found out about it. I have friends.” All of that stuff. It’s just like having a flat tire on a date. It’s how you deal with it.

Tucker:
Alright. Excellent. I think that was pretty good.

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