17th of April 2014

Where To Start If You’re Lost With Women, Part 2: How Mating Works

You’ve read Part 1, so let’s assume you’ve internalized the message: you’re not as anxious about being lost with women, you’re ok with having failed with women before but you don’t see yourself as a failure, and you’re cautiously optimistic about your chances for the future.

Now it’s time to have a frank discussion about the realities of human mating. How exactly does human mating work? This is the most important idea you need to understand:

Female choice is the fundamental principle that underlies all human mating, and human mating behavior only makes sense when seen through the lens of female choice.

Meaning, that all human mating behavior only makes sense if you understand that female choice is the primary evolutionary pressure that created human mating behavior and physiology, and as a result, everything we do in the mating arena comes back to men trying to be picked by women for mating.

This is not meant to scare you, or be controversial, or start debate. This is just a reality, and the more reality you understand and accept, the better. And the reality is that all human mating takes place within the framework of female choice.

For example, in the normal human mating scenario, it works like this (I’ll list the basic steps, then unpack each individually):

1. Men are the pursuers and women are the choosers.

2. Men pursue women because they are seeking to be chosen by a woman for a mating relationship.

3. Women choose men they are attracted to.

4. In order to be attractive to a woman, a man must possess and display traits the woman finds attractive.

5. If the man doesn’t have any qualities that the woman finds attractive, or has them and doesn’t display them, he won’t get chosen as a mating partner.

Yes, these are very basic logical statements, each one implying the next. But underneath the statements there is a lot of complexity and nuance, and they result in a very specific set of requirements for men, that most men don’t understand. I’ll explain it all below.

NOTE: When you read this, remember this is about simplifying the very basic structure of human mating, and by the very nature of simplification, we can’t cover every single exception or example that might deviate from the basics. Our book will dive deep into all of this, but if you’re totally lost, this will help you understand the basics enough to function:

1. Men are the pursuers and women are the choosers:

Women choose both whether mating happens, and who they have mating relationships with.

This is not feminism gone wild or a socially constructed rule that we are tricked into accepting by a complicit media. This is the way humans evolved (most mammals, actually). It’s the way we’re biologically designed to be.

Why did humans evolve such that women are the ones choosing, and men are the ones pursuing? The full explanation is very long and involved, so please understand that this is an oversimplification, but here’s why:

The basic biological reason women are very selective with their mating is that women pay a much higher biological “price” for sex: A woman can potentially conceive a child. Children are very difficult and risky for women, at least in a biological sense, and thus cost a high biological “price” (this is not the exact same thing as a monetary price, of course).

The man has no such risk; conceiving a child has no necessary biological price for him (except for sperm, which is essentially free), so sex is much lower risk to him. It’s basically “free” in a biological sense.

As a result of this, women have evolved to be predisposed to be very selective with who they mate with, whereas men are not. Biologically speaking, it benefits women to restrict their sexual access and activity, and it benefits men to be very free with it.

Before you freak out, yes we fully understand that biology is not fully destiny. There are a 100 other factors in play that determine whether a person has sex; cultural and social factors, use of birth control, psychological dynamics, etc, etc. And yes of course, there are situations where women are the pursuers, both individual and broader examples.

But again, these are exceptions to the rule, not the rule, and none of these factors have much to do with the biological reasons WHY humans evolved to be the way we are. You can literally write books just about why female choice is the defining principle of human mating, what’s important is that you understand that humans evolved during a time when female choice (sexual selection) shaped and crafted who we are today.

We will explain all of this in detail later on this site and in the book (there is a lot to say), but for the purposes of simply and quickly understanding the bedrock principle upon which all human mating interactions take place, all you really need to understand is that in virtually all situations you’ll find yourself in, men are the pursuers, and women are the selectors, and this fact defines the entire interaction.

If you get that, then everything else we explain will make sense, and your path forward to success will be very clear. If you don’t get that, then you’ll be constantly lost.

2. Men pursue women because they are seeking to be chosen by a woman for a mating relationship:

Since women are choosers and men are pursuers, in order for you to get into relationships with women, you must actively pursue them, and seek to be chosen. And yes: by seeking a woman out with the intent that she choose you for a mating relationship, this means you’re subjecting yourself to her judgment and evaluation. There is no way around this fact; if you want to be with women, you have to understand they are going to be looking at you, evaluating you, and making judgments about you.

Yes, I know this system looks unfair. You probably think it sucks. Welcome to life. Nothing about any aspect of life has been designed to accommodate your sense of fairness, so stop thinking about it like that. You can whine and complain, or you can accept the biological reality and then do something about it.

That’s the thing: it may look unfair, but there is an internal logic to it, and if you can understand and accept it, then you can learn how to thrive in it.

Here’s the good news: Just because women are generally in the position of choosing men, and they are evaluating and judging you, does NOT mean you have to beg, or bargain, or supplicate yourself in any way. Nor does it mean you solely are at the whim of her judgment. Nor does it mean that you have no power in the negotiation. Far from it, men hold significant power in the mating decision (which we’ll cover extensively later on).

Be clear about one more thing: This does not mean that women have no role in the mating process, or that their role only begins once you seek them out and initiate pursuit. Women are not passive actors in the mating game at any point. Women can and do give guys they are attracted to signals to let them know that they are interested in being pursued. And of course women can pursue men. We will cover all of this later, but the point is, even if she gives you signals to pursue her (or she pursues you to some extent), you must still actually engage her, and often pursue back.

The important takeaway point: if you are attracted to a woman, assume that you must take the initiative and pursue a relationship with her. If you don’t do this, if you don’t actively try to get into relationships, then nothing will happen. You’ll be alone. If you do, you’ll have a chance.

[NOTE 1: Now, of course there are ways for men to mate with women without being chosen by them. But that’s called rape. I hope I don’t have to tell you to not rape anyone. And of course, if we were discussing the subject of female mating choice in history, we’d talk about arranged marriages, polygamy, etc and how those impact this scenario. We’ll probably cover all of that later, but it’s not important to you right now, so don’t sweat it. This is about simplifying the basics, not covering every single possible base.]

[NOTE 2: I guess I should note that if you don’t care about sex or dating or relationships or any sort of mating behavior, then you don’t need to pursue women. You always have the option to abstain from sex, if you want. This is a choice on your part. But what guys want that? Women are awesome, but you know that, that’s why you’re reading this.]

3. Women choose men they are attracted to:

I know, crazy right!

This really shouldn’t be news to anyone. Women that don’t find you attractive, probably won’t want to be in any sort of relationship with you. Women that do find you attractive, probably will. And of course, the more attractive you are to women, the better your chances are with them, right?

Everyone knows this, or at least should know this. The real twists come with #4…

[NOTE: I’ve left out any discussion of the male attraction to the woman he is pursuing, because I’m assuming a man will only pursue a woman he is attracted to. This is not always the case, and we’ll cover this later as well.

The system seemed unfair a minute ago, but now maybe not so much. One of the upsides of being the man is that you get to pick the women you pursue, which ensures that you only pursue women are you attracted to. You don’t have to pursue women that repulse you. Being a woman definitely has it’s advantages but a big disadvantage of this is that they don’t get to pick who pursues them (for the most part), and as a result have to deal with something very few men have to deal with: unwanted attention and attraction. This dynamic can get very complicated and can play out in numerous ways and we’ll also cover it in the book/later on the site.]

4. In order to be attractive to a woman, a man must possess and display traits the woman finds attractive.

This is something that might seem obvious, but in my experience, the overwhelming majority of young guys never even give it a second of thought.

Guys often ask me things like, “Why can’t I get girls?” Good question. My first response is always, “Why should a girl like you? What’s attractive about you?” They look at me like I’m speaking French.

These guys have no problem evaluating and judging a woman’s attractiveness to them, but it never occurred to them that women do the same thing. They have literally never stopped to think about their own attractiveness to the women they are pursuing, and whether they offer anything that a woman would like.

So yeah, if you didn’t get it before when I said that female choice is the key to understanding human mating, understand it now:

Women are judging your attractiveness just as much as you are judging theirs, and their evaluation of your attractiveness is what determines your success with them.

The implication is clear: if you want to be in relationships with women, and you know they have to choose you for that to happen, and they will only choose you if they find you attractive, then you need to be attractive to them to get chosen.

See how this works?

A twist here is that women look for and value much different traits than guys. For example, physical appearance is pretty universally the most important factor for a man to find a woman attractive. But when women evaluate men, physical attractiveness is very far down the list of traits they look for (in most situations, not all).

The other factor to remember is that having a trait women find attractive is not enough. You must display this trait in a way that women can see and value. Having it and not showing it in some way is effectively the same as not having it.

Take humor, for example. “Sense of humor” is routinely listed by women as one of the top 3 things that make a guy attractive. If you can make women laugh, then you can almost always be successful with women.

But here’s the thing: You can’t just be funny in isolation. You have to USE your sense of humor to make the woman laugh. Being funny only around your guy friends doesn’t help you get girls. Being funny in the presence of girls you are pursuing is what helps you get them.

NOTE: This is a specific example of a basic principle of mating that we will come back to over and over: Relationships–ALL relationships, no matter how short or long–are about meeting the needs of the other person. From short term sexual encounters all the way to marriage, mating relationships work if and only if both people meet the needs of the other. One of the primary needs of women (and men) is to find their relationship partner attractive.

5. If a man doesn’t have any qualities that the woman finds attractive, or has them and doesn’t display them, he won’t get chosen as a mating partner.

I know this is obvious and implied from the statements above, but I still like to say it, because so many guys miss this. If you’re failing with women, it’s because you’re failing at understanding or executing one of the points above. You’re not doing what it takes to be attractive to women. If you don’t understand that female choice is the bedrock principle of human mating, and that you must be attractive enough to get chosen, then you don’t have a shot. You don’t even know what’s wrong to fix.

That’s the bad news. The good news:

Even if you’re totally unattractive to women right now, that can change. Pretty easily.

First off, I bet you have plenty of traits that would be attractive to women, you’re probably just displaying them wrong, or displaying them to the wrong women. That’s a super common problem.

And even if you don’t have much going for you, your attractiveness can be changed. You can cultivate and develop traits to make yourself more attractive to women. Very easily. In fact, most guys I talk to can easily make themselves much more attractive with simple and quick changes. And if they’re willing to put just a little work in, they can pretty easily become very attractive to women.

What does all of this mean? Well, if you get this essential principle of human mating, it means there are two big things you need to learn next:

1. What traits women find attractive in men.
2. How to develop and display these traits.

The good news is that those are the topics for the next two pieces in this series.



1. Female choice is the fundamental principle that underlies all human mating, and
human mating behavior only makes sense when seen through the lens of female choice.

2. Men pursue women, women choose men, and everything flows from that basic interaction.

3. Women choose men they are attracted to.

4. In order to be attractive to a woman, a man must possess and display traits the woman finds attractive.

5. If the man doesn’t have any qualities that the woman finds attractive, or has them and doesn’t display them, he won’t get chosen as a mating partner.


This is an ongoing, developing series, and we are testing how the presentation of this information is resonating with the audience (you). Our goal to help guys get the relationships they want with women, so please feel free to give us feedback:

Does it make sense? Are you learning from it? What did you not understand? What do you want to know more about? Does this explain mating in way you can relate to?

Any feedback you have–good or bad–we’d love to hear. Email us here: [email protected]


Where To Start If You’re Lost With Women:

Part 1: Developing The Right Mindset

Part 2: How Mating Works

Part 3: What Women Are Attracted To

Part 4: The “Why” Of Female Attraction

Part 5: How To Be More Attractive To Women 

Part 6: Figuring Out What You Want

Part 7: Where To Find Women 

Part 8: The Road Forward


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