10th of September 2015

Helping Joe, Episode 30 Part 2


In Part 2 of Episode 30, Joe talks about the dates he had last week and updates Tucker and Nils on the three women he has been seeing. They give him advice on how to directly and maturely end a short romantic relationship and why he needs to give the women he is dating more respect as adults that can make their own decisions.


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Joe’s Thoughts and Takeaways From This Episode:

Hey this is a running commentary of random thoughts, notes, and takeaways I had during or after this episode. – Joe

Beginning – Dates this week

Followups from Episode 29 Part 2:

-I had a talk with HP tattoo girl about sleeping over and she was cool with it, which surprised me. I remember cringing when I was asking her this because I expected her to be upset but she wasn’t. I kind of explained it in a way (like they told me) that made it about me and my problem and she was cool about it.

-The “lady Joe” girl who was like me in a few key ways, I just didn’t like her that much. I had sex with her but I regretted it because she was just really annoying to be around, didn’t have a good sense of humor, wanted to argue about little things and would say “I’m always right,” and it wasn’t a joke or with a smile. That bitch was serious.

“What’s good is that you’ve connected that emotion to that set of behaviors so you can make the choice that makes you feel best going forward.” – Nils

I’m really glad he pointed this out and I wish we talked about this more because this was kind of important maybe a big win… I connected what I was doing to what I was feeling, connected with my emotions, and stopped doing something that wasn’t good for me emotionally.

In the past, I probably would have kept sleeping with her because I would have said to myself that I didn’t have options or that I shouldn’t be turning anyone away, which is ridiculous. I would have pushed down those feelings until it somehow blew up. I didn’t do that here.

-I had trouble getting hard with the Perisan girl, and I think it was because of our lack of sexual chemistry or compatibility or the way we match up and I tried to explain that here but kept fumbling over my words.

Nils talks about her being a female friend maybe and I think he’s totally right. As a person, she’s great. I like her a lot but on a sexual level, it’s just not there as it is with other women.

“What matters is how you feel with respect to the prospects of your relationship with her. The way to not hurt her feelings is to not blame her. It’s just to say look, we’re not physically compatible… “ – Nils

“When you’re in a romantic relationship of any kind with a woman and it’s sending, there’ s never a scenario where she’s just gonna say, ‘Ok cool,’ high-five you, and leave… As a grown man you have to get comfortable with the fact that to end a relationship is to upset the other person. The only thing you can take solace in is that you did it in an mature adult way.” – Nils

“If you treat her with dignity and respect, you will feel good about yourself and she will like you a lot more because other guys have not done that, but it doesn’t mean that there’s not pain.” – Tucker

This was pretty smart advice and really helpful because I haven’t really ended that many relationships.

@13:00 – So we’re back to HP girl

I’ve thought about ending it with her, really for no good reason, just my own guilt and thoughts that I should either be more serious with her or stop seeing her … for her own good … which is stupid but that’s how I feel about it.

“Joe, you are a piece of work… This is what you said that you wanted.” – Nils

“You can change your mind but you have to consciously say [and do] it.” – Tucker

“Again, she’s a fucking adult who can make her own decisions about the relationships she does or doesn’t want to be in.” – Tucker

“Fucking a girl 2x a week in a relationship with some emotional intimacy is perfectly valid if you both understand that’s what you’re doing… You don’t need to manufacture guilt and problems. It sounds like there is some issue you have and you are masking it…” – Tucker

Yea he’s right. She’s told me that she is cool with where we are and what we are doing. I know she’s cool and likes seeing me. I don’t why I’m feeling like I have to end the relationship for her benefit.

“That’s the paternalism, the benevolent chauvinism, that we’re talking about. You assume that you know better what she wants, despite the fact that you had a conversation about this. She’s told you that she’s cool with it.” – Nils

Nils also gives some great advice on how a woman might act or do things contrary to what you talked about, which is not what’s going on here, but could happen with another woman in the future.

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