In this episode of Helping Joe, Tucker and Charlie catch up with Joe on all the dates he has had in the last 2 weeks. They recognize and celebrate these wins to reinforce that Joe is on the right path and making progress. A huge part of building confidence is realizing the strides you’ve made since starting and internalizing the positive feedback from women you are dating and your friends (or coaches here).
Later, they get into mistakes Joe made on these dates, including his funny but self-crippling texts. They also talk about why accepting who you are and being the best version of yourself is more effective than following a successful model that doesn’t fit who you are.
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This episode is sponsored by Dude Wipes, the first flushable wipes for men. They are much better than toilet paper, and we love using them. Check them out on Amazon for free shipping and sales this month.
Joe’s Thoughts and Takeaways From This Episode:
Hey this is a running commentary of random thoughts, notes, and takeaways I had during or after this episode. – Joe
- Why it’s so important to recognize, celebrate, and internalize your wins
- How writing 5 minutes a day slowly changes your thinking and happiness
- One easy way to know a girl wants to kiss you.
- Charlie reads more of Joe’s odd but funny texts
- Women look into and over-analyze texts far more than you
- Being the best version of you VS the best version of someone else
- Accepting yourself for who you are, letting people in, and making good friends
@Beginning – My dates and updates from the past 2-3 weeks.
I run through updates of 5 girls I am dating or have gone on dates with.
@6:00 – Charlie and Tucker compliment # of dates I’ve been on
“Is this over the last few weeks? This is impressive.” – Charlie
“We mostly cover the shit you do wrong… but this is fantastic.” – Tucker
There are a lot of small wins here and positive feedback that I am doing well.
This is cool because I usually don’t take the time to step back and realize the progress I’ve made, going from 0 dates, 0 prospects, and no plan to dating multiple girls in a week. It was cool they recognized this for me and it felt good. It’s nice to have people that congratulate you and are happy when you do well, especially for me because I don’t take the time to reflect on or celebrate wins, and even if I did I’m not sure who I would celebrate these wins with because I really don’t talk to anyone about how I suck with women and am getting better.
@8:00 – Gym analogy
Going to the gym every day, don’t see much progress, but after 3 months, there are big gains.
This is a great analogy about how the process of improvement feels slow and shitty but you wake up one day a few months down the road and realize that you’re much better or farther along than when you started.
There’s this great line they wrote in Mate about how this process of improvement can take months but in hollywood they trim it down to a 4 minute montage. Not that easy in real life, takes a lot of time.
@11:00 – Difference between the old Joe and the new Joe
Charlie makes a great point, and this is a great compliment, about how I am making a big effort to go out on a lot of dates. This is a lot different than how I have behaved in the past. When I was in NYC, I didn’t put in any effort at all and as a result I was pretty lonely for a while. Now, I’m taking more action, actually doing things and meeting some great women.
@12:30 – Recognizing and celebrating the small wins
“I asked you how you feel with your success, and you answered with all the things you’re doing wrong.”
I think this is a prime example of disqualifying negative feedback, not internalizing small wins, and having lower confidence as a result. I don’t know why I do this, but it’s stupid. You can’t ever be happy when good things happen and you just find ways to downplay them. How do I recognize and stop this shitty mental process? (see @20:00 below)
“You have proof of your ability, your skills, and your attraction in front of you. As a result of doing things, getting better, and getting results.” – Tucker
He’s absolutely right but I don’t take the time to look back and recognize this. Even with these small wins, I still don’t feel that confident. Tucker and Charlie have more confidence in me than I do in myself.
I have big problems with disqualifying positive feedback and imposter syndrome, which are other dumb ways of being self-critical.
@18:30 – Tucker compliments
“Your mental model [of yourself] is of someone who is far less attractive and valuable than you actually are… giving yourself permission to be confident will pull you closer to reality.”
His point was that I should take time and give myself permission to recognize and feel good about these accomplishments, feel confident about the process and the direction you are headed in while realizing all the work you still have to do and the gains you want to make. And I don’t have to keep being down on myself. It doesn’t make sense when looking at the evidence.
This was an awesome compliment, something I needed to hear, and I have to recognize and internalize if I want to have a happy life and a good time doing this.
@20:00 – Charlie recommends 5 Minute Journal
A great practice that Charlie recommended to do was the 5 Minute Journal. He said this helps to change these subconscious issues. It’s cool he talks about this because I just bought this a few days ago and have been writing in it. It’s a simple practice, 5 minutes in morning and 5 at night, but it helps slowly change your thinking and live a happier life.
“The secret to wealth is gratitude. If you can look through that lens you have everything you need.”
Tucker says I have to bring it in and they will read it. I really don’t want them to read this.
@22:00 – Update with the “So did you grow up hispanic?” girl from Episode 3
Charlie makes a great Taco Bell joke and they have fun with this.
@23:30 – Flashback to Latin girl and the date outside in 30 degree weather from Episode 2
It’s cool I am now able to laugh, instead of being embarrassed, when remembering this.
Tucker’s advice here when this happens or a date is not into you is to have fun on your own and do whatever you want:
“The point is what do you have to lose at that point. She’s not into you. It can’t get any worse. Maybe you knock something loose in yourself or in her that allows you two to see each other in a different way.” – Tucker
I don’t know how to do this because I think I’m unconsciously afraid to take the risk of looking foolish and I probably have been afraid of looking foolish for so long that those “being funny muscles” aren’t there (improv is helping to build these).
What is a small way to do this and build those back up? What’s a small risk or lesser version of what Tucker is talking about here that I can start with?
@28:00 – Back to the other girl and date update
Charlie makes another joke about dead bodies… in the moment this was funny but listening back to this it’s kind of annoying. Just one too many jokes and I can’t get through what actually happened.
@29:30 – Girls, gum, and kissing
I think girls do this a lot before they kiss you, ask if you want gum or they eat gum.
Also, she was laughing here so yea this was fun playful teasing.
@33:00 – I got insecure about taking her back to my place because I have no furniture
Unlike in the Episode 8 about not having a car, this is actually a legitimate concern even though there are some girls who don’t even care…
“I’ve fucked girls in closets before.” – Tucker
“She’s called your wife!” – Charlie
I thought this was hilarious.
Why is a park bench so bad? It was a nice beautiful day. I can’t take her back to my place because it sucks. Where else do we go in the middle of the day? What are better places / options?
This date was the highest point of our short relationship.
@34:30 – Charlie reads my texts
This was cringe-worthy. I don’t know why I send these texts. Tucker loses it and laughs.
@37:30 – Women look into texts and over-analyze every message far more than you
So being playful or silly or goofy is not obvious to them.
This is a great point and something I really don’t think about when I text women.
There is a lot of room for misinterpretation through text.
@38:00 – This was a blown opportunity. This does not work.
12 hour delays in text response are massive. I didn’t think it was that big a deal but I guess it is. Just shows you don’t care that much.
This was a girl I liked and she liked me, wanted to fuck me… and instead of pursuing her, I played that game of not texting her a lot so I don’t look too into her or too desperate. Well, that didn’t work because she just found somebody who was more responsive and wanted to progress things.
“I don’t know where you got this idea in your head, but playing it cool doesn’t work for you at all. And it doesn’t even work for the guys who you think it works for.” – Tucker
The one time it does work is in short-term relationships between very high status guys (famous or super attractive) and a small number of emotionally damaged women.
This isn’t even what I’m looking for! I don’t know why the fuck I do this… probably because I don’t want to look stupid or too needy/eager.
@40:00 – Why I did this
Same shit as last time when Tucker blew up. I was afraid of looking desperate or too eager/needy so I wanted to be cool.
Instead she just thinks you aren’t into her and she stops caring or moves on.
“The girls that this attracts are really insecure.”
@44:00 – Talking about being too available and low status
Tucker makes a great point about how this is who I am right now. “That’s who you are!” This hurt, but he’s right. And I can change this.
The only way to not be these things is to do more cool shit. Have more things going, more friends, more stuff to do, build a network, etc.
Started with improv, keep going!
“If you are a guy who is low status and insecure around women because you don’t have a lot of experience and you own that, some women will find that attractive because that’s honesty. Other women won’t because they want experienced guys.” – Tucker
Yea right now I’m afraid of being honest about this because I think it will be a turn off for most women and is really unattractive. Also being upfront with all this in the beginning is a little too much. The older I get the less attractive and more weird this is. Tucker’s point was that she will figure this out anyway.
@47:00 – Being the best version of yourself VS the best version of somebody else
Following successful models doesn’t work unless it fits who you really are.
When you think of somebody who is successful, there’s all this context and other things going on.
Tucker is a perfect example. The stories in his book show only 1 side of him and you can’t get the full context of who is he and what was attractive about him just from reading the books. If you are not like him, you should not try to be him.
“You are acting a different way that doesn’t fit who you are.” – Tucker
@50:00 – Forcing it instead of being yourself on dates
I do this shit a lot on first dates (and at speed dating) with chicks that are hot where I try to like the things she likes and be into what she’s into to so that she likes me and we connect … instead of being myself and connecting from that or just going our separate ways.
Comes from a scarcity mentality I think… I gotta make it work with her because I don’t have options or a lot of women in my life.
“You haven’t had enough people in your life that have accepted you for you who you are. So you’re not confident that anyone will accept you for who you are.” – Tucker
@51:00 – Processing, accepting, and internalizing your wins is a big part of confidence.
I didn’t do this well earlier in this episode. Hope that doing 5 minute journal will help with this.
@52:00 – Tucker tells a book meeting story – How he knows he’s a good guy
“I know I’m a good man because of the many good women I have in my life… The reason I know I’m a good person is because of the good men I have in my life.” – Tucker
He’s right. Veronica is great and she wouldn’t put up with him if he wasn’t a great man.
“You’re married so people will think, ‘Well at least somebody can stand the son of a bitch.’”
– Charlie quoting a line from The Departed
@54:00 – Accepting yourself for who you are
“You have not accepted yourself for you who are, partly because you don’t have people in your life accepting you. I think the only reason that is is because you won’t let them in.” – Tucker
I think he’s right. And to be honest this has been a pattern most of my life with pretty much everyone I know. I either wear masks or don’t let people in. Probably because I’m afraid of them not liking me, losing interest once they find out more about me, who I am, what I do.
@55:00 – Making an effort to make friends with good people
Tucker talks about this and why I might avoid people. I argued with him a bit here and I still don’t think he was right. However, he is right about the multitude of fears that I unconsciously have about being around people. He explains how there are a lot of unconscious fears or insecurities I have and that’s why I don’t go out a lot and hang out potentially great friends.
I think I’m getting better at this, but I still have a long way to go and need to actively start planning and doing more things with people I like and who like me. He’s right about social relationships being really fucking important.
“You don’t have to make too much of an effort. You just have to meet them.” – Tucker
Usually I don’t do this. I withdraw and turn down opportunities to hang out. It’s a bad habit that has led me to where am I in my life, without a lot of friends.
“As long as you can understand it, you can start to make changes.” – Tucker